Posted 4:21 AM by Gobbler
More Trains (and a little bit on Flags)

After two eventful days in Irkutsk it is time tonight to get back on a train again for another three days, this time to yekaterinburg. This may come as a shock, but im not 100% dying to get back on a train for another three days. However, i might as well make the most of it, this is most likely the last time i'll be on a train for three days solid. Im not sure whether Im happy or sad...

Irkutsk has turned out quite nicely. Its actually quite an attractive city in its own way. There are many ancient pre-revolution wooden houses about which, although mostly neglected and falling down, are picturesque. I have hereby established one key difference between chinese communism and russian communism. The Chinese have an horrific penchant for tearing down the old centres of their cities to replace them with hundreds of millions of tons of reinforced concrete shaped into tower blocks, the result being that most chinese cities look identical and bland. Russian cities, on the other hand seem mostly to have only a vague splattering of concrete monstrosities in the city centres, building their ugly apartment blocks a way out of town. They may have made some top quality tanks and planes and bombs and rockets, but they never really got the hang of constructing aesthetically pleasing buildings. But they dont seem to have demolished entire city centres either with the result that if ever the money flows enough to repair Irkutsks old building, the city will have undeniable charm. As such I rather thought that I should make it a part of the British Empire which has always liked a nice colony. Moreover I feel that the National Trust would have a field day here.

you will be aware of two key facts about my good self:

1) I have ever been a staunch defender of the Empire. (this being the British Empire and not the Evil Empire popular with such characters as Darth Vader)

2) I have been on numerous and extensive gadabouts. One might say that i am a gadabouter, one who gads about.

Now, you will note that these two key facts are in many respects linked. During the course of my gadabouting i have naturally had the opportunity to not only visit the colonies, (only last year i was in america, prime piece of real estate, what what?) but i have also been looking to territories as yet un-assimilated into the great Imperial Collective (it doesnt do to call it conquering nowadays. That was more William's thing. Do you remember William? He was a conqueror. In fact I suppose its fair to say that he was The Conqueror, if you catch my whiff). With a view to this, and reminding myself at all times that the bell of change still needs much a-ringing on this earthly plane, I brought along with me a good number of Union Jacks with the intention of planting them about the place as a prize for our noble Monarch. This was very handy indeed because whenever i missed home for what ever reason I simply had to cut a stake, plonk it in the ground, attach flag and proclaim "This territory is now Blighty's, hands off" and i felt right at home.

The point of all this is that having now got to Irkutsk from Vladivostok, and finding the place full of merit I thought i'd better plant the old flag here, but lo! Misery upon misery, woe piled like a giant mountain of manure upon more woe upon misery upon much grief and gnashing of teeth - no more flags. All 366 of them, gone, planted in fields afar. Stuck up a Siberian Railway without a flag.

Now that it seems that my Empire Building days are over, at least until i get back to England and can get a new supply of flags. Not wishing to proceed without an objective, ive switched from spreading the empire to spreading the love. In many ways Ive found that spreading the love involves similar principles to those of spreading the empire. For example, while there is plenty of love in the world we still need more, and similarly there is plenty of empire in the world but we still need more. Haven't quite worked out what to do with a flag if i had one (vis a vis spreading the love) and have communiqued PM Tony Blair enquiring exactly how to proceed on this point.

All is well in sunny siberia. Im off tonight for a 4000km three day soiree to Yekaterinburg, which im told has a nice museum. With lots of tanks in it, as well as some info on the U2 incident in the 50's, by which i mean the spy plane that was shot down and not the band playing a concert.

As you are all a bunch of dirty punks i find myself untroubled by talkbacks. I may be back later, i may not. Im going to ring some friends i have made, whom i met for coffee earlier to see if they are working, if not i may meet up with them for some jollies, if not i may truck back here to while away the next four hours until my train leaves...

Posted 2:50 PM by Gobbler
Late night at the Blogger

Its 7:03 am apparently. I have not yet graced the pillow with my gentle head for reasons which i will now relate.

Last night i indicated that i would venture to the nightclub known as 'stratosfera'. Big mistake. Another Irkutsk faux pas. I wondered in and once id got past the security guards (a few soldiers otherwise employed) it occured to me that not only were there not a huge numbner of people around, there werent any around, and on top of that there wasnt any music either. i had entered the nearest casino, of which there are many in Irkutsk. The mafia gangs seem ot like them a lot, but i wasnt too keen and so headed directly out. Not stratosfera club. i found out later that this is because it is only open friday and saturday, a fact my flawed guidebook was unable to advise me about. Oh well. I spent the next hour cruising the irkutsk darkness looking for life but it seems that after 12 irkutsk is as dead as a dodo. Certainly not what i had come to expect from Russia after Vladivostok, a city which i appreciate i have yet to describe to any degree. And im soory about that but you may have to wait. And so i walked the (largely) unlit streets of Irkutsk, with about 30 dollars on my person, 15 of which was hidden in my shoe. i didnt feel unsafe but i was aware that the situation wasnt safe. its not like china where youre as safe as a capitalist at night (did i ever tell you the story (and it is a story but ive heard it from two people who swear its true) of the traveller who was robbed on a station platform in china? The police caught the culprit and took him to the end of the platform (still within sight of the tourist) where they shot him in the head?), more like any major city where many places simply arent safe. Safety is much reduced if youre an oursider, which of course i am. at least i can lookswise pass for a Russian and so I marched down the streets looking as mean as possible and delivering gruff grunts to anything that looked like it might try to communicate with me (weasels etc). The whole facade was rubbished when i got an inexplicable nosebleed (dad how do we do it?) to such an extent that it soon looked like i had in fact already been beaten. By the time i had the thing under control it was almost two am and i figured i might as well just go home to bed. The lady who opened the door didnt seem overjoyed at having to get off her fat arse to let me in (and this is one of the peculiar things about russia:- take a russian female 0-25/30 and chances are she'll be trim enough to grace any venue, take one 25/30+ and chances are she'd feed the five thousand. Ive no idea exactly what they eat to get from a to b but intelligence suggests its very big indeed) . She made it clear that she didnt appreciate getting out of bed by showing me the padlock and the clock, indicating that at the hour of midnight the front door had an intimate affair with the padlock and that beyond that hour it would not be appreciated if i should attmept to come home.


Now, this is a blooming hotel and all and am paying 10 British Pounds a night to stay here, which is a lot especially when you consider that the ruskies resident in the hotel are probably paying less that half that and so i would have thought that i would be able to come home at any time that i please, but the management says otherwise./ of course i could have just fecked them off and banged on the door after 12 until they opened, but it turns out that i met some people and its quite convenient to stay up until the hotel doors reopen. Probably theyll haqve some complaint to make but what can you do? In any case its not half seven and ie got to be at the ticket office at 9 to try to book my ticket to Yekatarinburg, the next scheduled stop. if i cant get there today i may have to sack it in, time is quickly dwindling away. i dont know when i'l next post if i dotn make another later today, i will be on a train for the next 3/4 days.

The russian hospitality is highly endearing. The vladivostok example, my first decent bite of russia, i again say i will not cover here (i cannot think how now to begin) so let me talk about the train. On my second day, after a few seedy punters had been and gone, Vasilly and wife and son come to my compartment. quickly they realise that i am a damned foreigner. Unlike my nuerous experiences on chinese trains they are not itchingly keen to talk to me and feed me packaged foods, but it is inevitable that the ice will break or else freeze pver for ever, hardly a pleasant alternative in a four bed compartment. we exchange our informationa as bext we can; vasilly works as a railway engineer/maintatiner, mrs v does someting to do with 'professor' or was it farm work. son is a schoolboy attracted to the army. older daughter (not present) is studying in moscow and on another train that passes by, they are preparing to wave wehn she passes but ive no idea whe this will be. Vasilly lost 5 uncles in WW11, his father the only man in the family to survive. Mrs V i think lost 2, or was it three, her father the same, the only to survive. I meekly explained that my grandfathers had passed through the war a-ok, and bizarrely i felt a little out of place not being able to show a sinlge member of my my family that had fallen. 5 uncles, 3 uncles, five of 6, three of four, the russian reality. We stopped brooding in silence, i shaking my head, completely unable to break the stifled air with conversation as none was possible. WE had worked hard to broach this knowledge. It was the first of August, Red something day (i'm afraid i forget) and vasilly had some secret vodka to drink (we'd already had some for lunch) so after a time we had another vodka and moved on. When i say we 'had a vodka' it is to be understood that we had a russian vodka, which describes not simply the origin of the beverage but the method of imbibing. In russia one pours an indescriminate (but basically a lot, 3-5 measures), (at least by vasillys measurement) into a glass and sees of the lot to be accompanied by juice or pickles or a slice of vegetable like cucumber. At one point, lunchtime on the second day of the train, vasilly had half a cup of vodka, i guess about 7 measures, 175ml, maybe 225, just to finish off the bottle after lunch.


It occured to me that night, my third and last on the train, that I had eaten all vasillly and familys food; i had figured i'd buy my own along the way which i did but still managed to tuck heartily inot the offered food, and I searched for as way to repay them. the only thing that i could think of was vodka, so i bought a decent bottle from the very expensive restaurant car (about 7 quid) and brought it back to drink with vasilly. he and mrs v seemed pleased that I was giving them a gift but a little nonplussed. After a couple of massive vodkas vasilly asked why we were drinking. "ERm, erm, I dont know really. Because its vodka o'clock?" I tried to reply. WE had had a couple of vodkas (i think 3 each, i.e. 1/3 of a litre) and vasilly didnt want to drink any more. I had had him down as a bit of an alchy to be honest, up to that point. who in the hell drinks mouthfulls of vodka for lunch? The russians, its what doen in russia. Vasilly didnt want to drink any more. He pointed to an older russian on the train, off his horse for drink, and vasilly wasnt impressed, gave disapproving looks. That sort of behaviour wasnt his bag apparently, and i nodded in agreement, of course. But i mean reallly, why drink a fat vodka for lunch?

ALright then, im about out of steam. i had conceived a wild plan to go to lake baikal today to visit the village but i talked briefly with some americans who had just come from there and they werent that enthusiastic. WE shall see. Im supposed to meet my new friends later on.

Ok punks, time for me to go. might see you later depending on my train ticket. Goodnight.


Laura: Bought another house?! Blimey, cant buy me one can you? Not back til 21st so cant make reunion as much as id like to go, cant have everything. not going to rome, will probably make moscow, warsaw, berlin and paris :) See you soon.

Robin Hood Rich: Goddamit!! ITs pretty much my favourite book and i forgot all about the fiddling eight year olds. Whats happened to me? And aside from the vodka im making stiff efforts to keep the bodily fluids of respective nationalities in their rightful places. Dr Octagon is I fear still at large, and very large at that, but his dirty bombs will have a job competing with the dirty bomb russian style. Take one very large bottle of vodka, ten russians (five of each sex) and theres no telling what kind of filth will be spread...

Mum's the word: As far as Iraq's concerned, i suppose 'if you cant beat then kill them' is the watchword of choice. As for the rest, i shall have to think on it.

(Utterly unexpected and quite at the end of Everything that makes vibrations, and deserves close consultation;)

Posted 8:02 AM by Gobbler
Talk to The Blog

eu - I was frightened that if i trieda number one they might haved asked me why i hadnt declared that item and tried to confisctate it. god knows what they would have done if id tried a number two... I shall be there for the oval. more concerned about the windies collapsing before day four than about the ruskies getting me. but more on that tomorrow i hope.

Rich: nice to see youre gettign down to nott quicker than yuo thought and jobs going well. whats tom going to do with all thast floor space now? russia proceeding nicely, which is nice. vodka all part of lifes rich tapestry etc..

Posted 6:38 AM by Gobbler
Intensive Training

Im currently in Irkutsk. hoping for a similarly splendid time as i had in vladivostok (from which experience i can report that the russians are quite possibly the friendliest people in the world... I will eplain in another blog tomorrw, no time now) but so far irkutsk seems a little less splendid. had to wiat for over half an hour just to get served for dinner (and i had only had half a fish and a slice of bread all day, so as a consequence quite peckish) as the (i presume) local mafia waltzed in and received elite service. they had got their drinks and their food before i had even been served, the waiter refusing to look at me. and i had sat down first. Of all the many places in the world needy of some changes being rung, this is surely one of them.

Like i said, currently in irkutsk. Arrived today from Vladivostok, a mere three days away by train. I know i said i liked trains but im not sure if im dying with anticipation about spending another six or seven days on trains until i get to london. vladivostok was great. i was lucky enough to meet a really cool guy on my first night there who showed me around with a friend of his and got me drinking vodka, as i think ive mentioned. or have i? i stayed there five days which means my schedule is now in all kinds of shite for getting to london by the 21st. the pressure is on, just the way i like it. will i make the cricket or wont i?

Next immediate plan is to go for a couple of restoring beverages in 'Stratosphere' nightclub. i was told about it by a Norwegian guy (very strange fellow) when i was at the great wall who told me it was full of ladies carefully watched by large Russians who appear to own them all. Nice bit of local colour, thats what i say. I may have to see about ringing in some changes there too. Arguably i should be a good tourist, go to bed and get up bright and early for some sightseeing but i need a bit of waking up after three days on train. You see, heres the question:

Just what do you do for three days on a train?

Some people say they do things like read very big books on the train. For the whole 7 day trans siberian i read of one guy who claimed to have read War And Peace in its entirety, but i reckon hes full of piffle, even though i dont know what piffle is. I thought id read a small book, that being Kierkegaards "Fear and Trembling" and "The Sickness Unto Death", two very small books in one. I think understand the titles well enough. DO NOT READ "Fear and Trembling" and "The Sickness Unto Death" unless you wish to be fearful, trembling, and sick unto the death of just how baffling the man is. Basically he fell madly in love with a woman who, for reasons unexplained, (probably because the man was a bit loopy) did not marry him. Believing that his love for this woman (apparently quite tasty and expert at the eye trick -eu) was of the undying variety and that he was no fool for loving her he proceeded to produce very complicated works attempting to explain, perhaps mostly for his own benefit, why he should allow his whole life to be consumed by a love that would never be returned, even though he hungered for it to be returned everyday and as a result went increasingly loopy. In three days I hacked through about 60 pages.

No, i say, reading books is not the answer. the answer is sleep. SLEEEEEEEEEEEP. I must have spent about 12 hours of each day if not a few more sleeping or in the process, and i must say that some very pleasant dreams were had. for example i dreamt - er, not, perhaps id better not. the point is that im now not very tired adn therefore feel like going out.

Alright all you punks, ive got to head off now. its now or never for this stratosphere malarky.