Posted 6:02 AM by Gobbler
Kebabs, Kashgar and Camels

And so, after several weeks of zero blogging, im back in the writing seat. I can explain my despicable absence very simply. It is not possible to blog in Xinjiang, (Autonomous Region of China). The only possible reason I can give for this is that the benificent and noble Peoples Government is even more paranoid (ah, sorry, 'concerned') about the free flow of information (ah, sorry, 'spreading of insurrectionist terrorist dogma') in Xinjiang (AUTONOMOUS Region) than it is about the rest of China.

So we were in Kashgar, City of Kebabs. Kashgar has long been an extremely remote city cut off from the world by the mighty Himilayas to the north, west and south, and the massive expanse of death that is the Takemalakan desert to the east. Now, however, the chinese have not only built a fine road to the place with tarmac and everything, they have also built an even finer railway which sends numerous trains (and it is a smashing train) Kashgarward. It isnt just handy for people like me, it is also handy for the tens of thousands of Han Chinese (your traditional chinese looking chinese, the yellow ones that tend to be on the small side with limited body hair and less rounded eyes) that the government is flooding kashgar with (and the rest of Xinjiang and Tibet also). This means that before long the han chinese will outnumber the locals (not hans but mostly Uyghurs (it used to be their country) and Kazaks and Uzbekhs and Turkmenis and a few Pakis (tho now we say pakistanis), almost all of whom are Muslim, so that before long a majority of the population will 100% want to remain tied to Beijing.

China has long laid claim to Xinjiang and has been at least a theoretical part of China for about two thousand years, ever since the chinese marched their way through here and took it in the first century a.d. for their nice silk road. After a while they more or less went home to a place that wasnt a big desert, but still claimed it. Then the turkish uyghurs (which is why the people there are uyghur now) came in and ruled for a few hundred years before the mongols (Kublai Khan and fellow khans like Ghengis and King. Oh no sorry thats Kong, king kong.) stomped in. In the mid 18th century the chinese came back and despite frequent revolts they've more or less been there since then, at least in spirit. The communists rolled in in 1949. Once a key opposition members to the ccp had died in plane crash the only thing left to do was to build lots of very big statues of mao in all the towns in xinjiang and tell people how lucky they are now. I have to say that the statues i have seen are very nice. Unfortunately not all the locals are convinced that lots of big mao statues and rule from beijing is the best idea and so periodically there are violent protests. The last major one was in 1997 when x-hundred people died in a town to the west of Urumqi, the regions capital, after crack police stamped out an uprising/ protest there. I think it was termed a terrorist attack. (Unfortunately i never saw any crack police while i was in xinjiang. I bet their uniforms are cool) A good way to stop such things in the future is to make as many of the people support you as you can, and importing chinese from the east is a good way of achieving this. Theyre doing the same thing in tibet and the wheeze works quite well. In 1955 in Xinjiang 90% of the population was non-chinese. The vast majority did not speak chinese or even a remote dialect, or have any cultural ties with eastern china. Understandably they didnt feel they had a whole lot in common with Beijing. Kashgar is closer to Baghdad than it is to Beijing. The han chinese immigrants are naturally enough usually very attached to Beijing. They are the same racial, cultural, historical, religious (or a-religious) and linguistic group. They dont eat kebabs by the truckload, they dont pray devoutly, they dont make their women cover themselves up and they certainly do not carry knives with them at all times. Soon there will be more han chinese than uyghurs and xinjiang will be a concrete part of china.

I Was also hoping for a quick muslim uprising while i was there to see those crack special police in action, but all they were doing was eating several million kebabs. The muslims i mean. Like i say i never spotted any crack police. I did see, apart from lots of locals and kebabs, lots of camels and sand and watermelons.
Now, to be frank with you, I fear that i may hve undervalued the watermelon in my formative years. (One might argue that I am still in my formative years. In fact I maintain that line myself and indeed intend to stay there for some time to come. Helps one remain satisfactorily nebulous. However, I now feel formed on the point of watermelons) I always considered the watermelon to be a fairly crap fruit. Not as tasty as the melon. Inevitable dribble factor. Intriguing red colouration but irritating pips that dont quit. YOu need about ten people to get through one. Too big to be of any practical use as a missile (an important factor in my formative years as you may imagine. Apples are better. In fact almost anything is better. Besides, if you actually managed to hit anyone with a watermelon you'd probably kill them. They are the heavy artillery of the fruit arsenal) For these reasons and more that currently escape me, I have rarely taken much interest in the watermelon. However, I now consider watermelons to be a marvel of fruitdom. They are, to use the phrase, a whole ball full of yum. But why? Why, nick, WHY? I hear you bawl.

Consider the situation. You have, on the advice of some frenchies, gone for a three day desert trek. COnsidering yourselves culinary geniouses under the masterful orchestration of mattieu, french chef extraordinaire, (in fact he never claimed to be a chef or an extraordinaire, but i immediately added that appellation myself by virtue of the fact that he is french (any sane man would surely do the same. surely)) and forgetting perhaps that the takemalakan desert is big on sand dunes and small on kitchens, we brought along a superabundance of vegetable and fruit matter sufficient to satisfy our grand gastronomic schemes: tomatoes, potatoes, carrots, ginger, mushrooms (tinned), sweetcorn (tinned), cucumbers, apricots, onions, garlic (naturellement), and pumpkins, as well as various meats. The point of this list, other than to show that we perhaps went a little overboard (But monsieur mattieu, on spying each new vegetable simply said "Oui, well, it can be nice, non?" You'd be amazed just how many things "Can be nice" if you put your mind to it) will become clear shortly.
The takelamakan desert is a hot place. Though much hotter than Yangzhou Its not such a sweat pit; moisture has long since departed its sandy shores, and such vulnerable edibles as tomatoes really stand no chance. Within a day they were largely very disgusting. Even the potatoes, which i have always fondly considered largely indestructible, were markedly withered after two days. The less said about the apricots the better. Id also hoped for more from the melon, but it wouldnt have lasted more than a day if we hadnt gobbled it. But the watermelon, the glorious watermelon, was still in perfect condition after three days, apparently impervious to heat. Not only that but Kashgar does the worlds yummiest watermelons, and i can confirm that they at least beat the crap out of sainsbury's efforts. So, next time youre planning your trip into the desert in search of an ancient buried city among the dunes, Ive got a word of advice. Watermelons. You betcha.
Back in Yangzhou now, did i say that already? Teaching my summer school for the next week or so, and then off to beijing and then the train. TRAIN. Going to go to yangzhou station and ask for a ticket to london. Typically i bet they wont sell me one. Bloody chinese train stations eh? Finally got my documents through from russia for my visa after two months of waiting, so things look good to go.

Football Rich: Ni Hao matey jim! Sorry ive been so slack responding to your messages. I thought about sending you an email but i cant find your address, ive only got your johndeere one bizarrely. Please send it. 30/5Cheers for the expert corrections to MR Scruff lyrics and oral examinations. 31/5I have now given almost 500 of my students orals and i gave most of them a big mark. Some of them i gave flying colours. 31/5Steer well clear of chinese tinned sardines with black beans. they are extremely grim and may cause death. 5/6 Last months plan has largely been covered now, or is in the process of. Will be back by 21st of august from my TRAIN ride. 17/6hope crete treated you well, sounds like it did. REgards to Amoid. Blimey mate, a real job. sounds quite interesting actually. Let me know how it goes. Do try not to get fired too quickly. 27/6 Congratulations on the 2:1 my son, dont knock it til youve tried it, in for a penny in for a pound, all part of lifes rich tapestry and so on and so forth. Just shows that all the sleep and computer games were worth it. 4/7: talk to you about that bad boy of an idea when i get back...

Evil Uncle: 31/5: This is the last one i have left. i got it from an australian bloke who'd just drunk 38 beers. He told me loads but the only one i can remember is

"There once was a girl from spain,
Who like it again and again.
And again and again, and again and again,
And again and again again."

Simplicity is the key with this one i feel. 7/6: Actually i was with that sheep by that cliff you mentioned. You know what they say: Incest is best, but bestiality's a speciality. 13/6:was well trained in that department at school... 15/6: it was all very real. Seems a long time ago now tho. Luckily, im now off to russia to see if they are all like that. I feel i have to find out in the name of science and progress. 20/6: Ah, i remember the old jingle "You'd better watch out cos beadles a bas#$%d"

Vinny Boy:4/6: read between the bloody lines. Always remember being told that in english lessons. Theres nothing between the fecking lines!!! At least there wasnt then. there is now.9/7: Back about the 20th of august but no set date as im going on the train. got to be back by the 22nd as im watching the cricket at lords. splendid! see you in a few weeks mate.

Laura: 6/6: ho ho ho. No it was not. By the way m'dear, whats your email address? still using hangbag.com?

Rach14/6: I almost bought two afghan rugs as it happens. could have got them for about 50 quid but in the end decided to buy some other stuff. Sorry. how about some chopsticks?

Cheesemonger: 15/6: Sorry old boy, what happened the first time? See you soon matey

Mum: 7/6: Im seeing a few of my students this week an im in email contact with a few of them, so its not a total cutoff. But youre right, it does make you feel a bit ineffective when theres really so little you can do. I hope at least I will have pushed a few of them on...