Goulden Moments

Posted 8:04 PM by Gobbler
"You make it Easy" - Air, Moon Safari

There are a number of points to discuss this morning.

Dude that was totaly Awesome

The first is a film that I've been watching for a very long time. Its gone by a number of names over the years. 'The Iron Cross' being one, and most recently, 'Cross of Iran. Awesome!' Its real name is 'Cross of Iron.'

Quite how one gets the words 'Iron' and 'Iran' confused is a question only Rubrick can answer; it was he who made the blunder. Being American it was, i felt, only natural that he should follow with 'Awesome!' But in truth this is somewhat artificial. The fact is that old Rubers is far too quiet and his vocabulary far too expansive to make a proper American in my view. I asked him some time ago why he didnt say 'awesome' more. He responded that very few things filled him with awe and that therefore he saw very few occassions to use the word. "No no no Rubrick! We cant have this at all. Youre an American goddamit, almost everything is awesome, surely." I protested. "Well, I dont think so." He replied. "And another thing matey," I went on, "You dont use 'dude' enough. We need more 'dudes'. I appreciate your dedicated use of the word 'Man!' but wheres the 'dude'?" "Well," he replied, "I used to say f**k a lot. Man, I used to swear all the god damn time." The guy had potential. I felt I could train him to become more like my image of a bog-standard, run-of-the-mill, stereotypical, quintessential American. I set about my work.

Of course the project is a long one and likely to end in failure, but there have been rays of hope; Rubers saying "Cross of Iran. Awesome!" Unfortunately however he may simply have said 'awesome' as he was being sarcastic. Oh dear me. Oh dear me no. That will not do at all. And so, for the time being, Stereotypicalisation project Ulysees Servitus Argos continues.

TRAIN!!! Choo Choo!

I like a nice train. I like em more and more the older i get, and i always liked 'em in the first place. This weekend i went on another train. It was fantastic.

Now, i last posted on friday. saturday i was away going on trains. Sunday i was too tired to post, and last night other things got in the way. So let me tell you about the trains.

After an unusually quiet friday night we headed for Changzhou on saturday morning, where a party was located. It was a grey, cold, miserable day which had nothing at all to recommend it. A chill breeze softly wound its way through the grey streets. It didnt provide refreshment, its only purpose was to inform you that the day was not going to improve and that, if it could, the wind would bring along some rain as well, and as much as it could muster. Leaving our hotel we had to dodge the large puddles, evidence of the miserable night. Escaping the puddles is an especially important yet futile task for me due to the gaping crevasse in the sole of my shoe, which for some easily explicable reason leaves my foot wet after three seconds. I could of course buy some new shoes, but i have my reasons. soon it will be hot and dry, and then i will be glad of the extra ventilation hole keeping my feet fresh and daisy-like. Until then its soggy-socks.

We got to Changzhou early and, purely by luck, bumped into a Changzhou matey who was just on his way to meet some party goers at the bus station. We accompanied him there, met the mateys and, to cut to the chase, shortly thereafter went to the park for a little sightseeing.

Now, Changzhou's gardens dont have the historical pedigree of neighbouring Suzhou or even nearby Yangzhou, Shanghai and Nanjing, so it is compensating. Firstly, and principally, theyre building the biggest pagoda in China in their main park. The fact that its made of steel and concrete and hence resembles a small skyscraper with pretty roofs stuck on doesnt seem to have discouraged them one bit and construction, here as everywhere in China, is proceeding quickly. On this point I'd like to say that in Changzhou, as in every city ive yet visited here, those huge construction cranes line most of the horizon. There must be tens of thousands of them throughout China. Without a doubt, whoever makes Chinas cranes must be a very happy or at least very rich communist.

The highlight of the park for us was not the impressively large pagoda, although that was awesome. (!!!) It was the zoo where, we heard tell, we might find a variety of leopards. The sign outside the park advertised more than twenty species of animal. Well I never! Little did i know then that one of the species was pheasant. Pheasant?! You dont put pheasants in a zoo! Next to lions and tigers and leopards! You put them in woodland and then, seasonally, scare them with sticks so that they fly away into the air. Then a number of waiting welly-booted, tweed-coated men blow them to pheasant heaven with a well-aimed volley of the old twelve-bore. Good show chaps! Pheasants are not zoo material. Thats my humble opinion anyway, but it clearly isnt shared by the proprietors of Changzhou zoo. But i mean really; there are more pheasants in my back garden than there are in that zoo. Right, I'm getting ahead of myself here. My apologies, this may get confusing. Let us rewind a little. We have not yet reached the zoo. We are at the entrance to the park near the concrete pagoda. We realised that, in order to reach the zoo, it was necessary to pass what looked on the map as an entertainment park. We didnt get too excited. Given the highlight of Yangzhous park is a Merry-go-round (tho a fine merry-go-round at that) we couldnt expect too much. We strolled through the pleasant gardens trying to forget the unaccommodating weather. We reached the entertainment area and we saw a rollercoaster. And this time, I really do mean a rollercoaster.

The operative part of the word in this particular rollercoaster is definitely 'coaster'. given that the thing never gets more than about 15 feet off the ground, i have strong suspicions that it rather rolls along in a coasting fashion, never getting much beyond, say, five miles and hour. it looked old, badly kept, and badly in need of the scrap heap. There wasnt anyone on it, (there was barely anyone in the park) and it looked like it might not take too kindly to big westerners going on it. It looked like it might go the same way as my bike did a while back i.e. collapse, which might have been hilarious, but might have been fatal. We didnt even attempt to go on it. We had found the train.

We each got our own train on the little track that went round and round. three of us went on the ride. it looked complicated. For a start, getting into the train was difficult as my legs were a little too long. each train had two seats but there was room for only one in each. In my train there were numerous controls to figure out. For a start there were two steering wheels. Which one to use? they looked the same. I started off by using both. There was a red foot pedal and a green button on the dash. Which to press? Taking my brothers old advice "If in doubt, punk, press that button!" I pushed them both down as we rocked around the track. This meant that i could only use one steering wheel, but between you and me ive got a sneaking suspicion that the steering wheel was just for show. i used it anyway. We chuckled all the way round, and i periodically shouted 'train!' Ive got photographic evidence of this you know. It was so good we went round twice.

Then we went on this bicycle contraption where you ride round and round a vertical wheel like a hamster, upside down. I say we. This excepts Rubrick who said "Ah man, thats looks awesome. Im not going on it." (he has much to learn), one other matey who isnt the adventurous type and one other who is dedicated to rabbiting on about all the adventurous things shes done 'in my time' and all the adventurous things she does 'all the time'. Unfortunately all this rabbiting seems to leave no time for adventurous things 'at this time' so she didnt go on. So Paul and i went on. This dangerous looking contraption was designed so that you cycled round and round in this wheel, a bit a hamster like i said. Except not quite like a hamster as the wheel doesnt spin, you do, round and round and round. You couldnt fall out as you were strapped to the bike nor could the bike fall out of the wheel as it was held in place by an axle. All you could do was cycle round the wheel I hope thats clear. It was hilarious fun for the first thirty seconds or so, until i began to feel slightly unwell. We went on it for quite a little while, pegging it round and round like loonies, cycling tandem in our respectve wheels, then had a little race, egged on by little miss adventurous, to see who could get sicker the quicker.

We got off thinking how awesome it was and wondering why they didnt have it in england. Looking back i suspect that the reason that they dont have it in england is because it leaves you feeling quite ill. Shortly after we headed to the zoo.

Wo Shi Hu - Im a tiger

As we came upon the zoo the wind picked up a little and it brought with it spits of rain, adding to the sense of decrepit desolation that we embibed as we entered. First stop was the monkey pit in the middle. loads of monkeys sitting around on rocks looking cold and bored, a few of them jumping about the place looking a little less cold and bored. Two of them right below us fishing in the shallow moat for something to eat. all they seemed to find was rotten leaves but they sucked away at them nonetheless.

We passed some cat cages. Leopards, panthers, a fox (or something like it) and a lynx. now, lynxes are intriguing. Just why do they have such unusually coloured pointed ears? They look as though they are about to eat you, which is what they would probably do if they could. anything to break the boredom. There cant be much to do in a small, bare, concrete cage. I dont suppose my lynx even speaks the same language as mrs panther next door. poor little bugger. Some of the cats ran round and round the cage, looking quite mad. One leopard in the corner looked as though he was planning an escape, so still was he. maybe he was just plastic, or stuffed.

Next stop primates. If anything they looked even more cold, depressed and miserable. One at least seemed to have found something to do that afternoon and was busy scratching his arse. The rest stared about them. It reminded me of a concentration camp, which is probably excessive, but there you are. We moved on to a few bored lions, then, joy of joys, found a tiger. Tigers are big buggers, no question about it. He had a slightly bigger though still small cage and prowled around the edge of it with a look that said "In a minute I'm going to break out of this cage and then im going home and theres nothing to do about. just you try and i'll eat you, punk." So at least the tiger looked healthy and a little less miserable. And that, aside from the pheasants which have been mentioned, and a few other things, was the zoo.

After that we had dinner and then the party which was eventful but i feel that i have written enough for now. talkbacks next time. Punk out.