Posted 9:49 AM by Gobbler
Blimey, its wednesday allready

And what can i tell you? Havent been to a new country in over a month. havent eaten anything too repulsive lately. at least nothing i havent mentioned before. Therefore i will begin with two dishes that i havent eaten but have heard ghastly rumours about.

Hello. I am Ulrika and I am from Sveeden

What do we know about the Swedes? Lets start with the menfolk. Well, once upon a time they enjoyed growing beards, wearing hats with horns sticking out of them and then climbing into boats, paddling over to another country such as England and then setting about the locals with big sharp axes. In those days they got up to a lot of raping, pillaging and burning, it was all the rage, and they were very good at it. Quite proficient in all honesty. Then one day they got bored of doing that and took to making nice bits of furniture in their IKEA factory and flogging them for marvellous prices to the world. They dont all do that of course. Some ride around on bicycles, and the rest work in the Nokia phone factory. So much for the men.

Despite the above impressive list of achievements, the men are somewhat less well reknowned than the women. Now, im not sure what the women were doing when the men were off in their lonboats with their shiny axes and funny hats, raping pillaging and burning, but these days they mostly walk about being slim, shapely and most imporantly blonde. This appears to have earned them the reputation for being rather attractive or, to put it another way, damned tasty. Unlike a hidden secret that i recently uncovered. You see blogreaders, underneath all that blonde hair and pine furniture there is another facet to Sweden. One of their traditional dishes is Sheeps brain, which doesnt sound damned tasty at all. Vile seems nearer the mark. But however unpleasant, however disgusting, however nasty, however it is prepared i think i have heard of something nastier by far.

"Ahh. Chilled monkey brain." - The Temple Of Doom

but this dish is even more grotesquely abhorrent than that portrayed in the film mentioned above, which, after seeing the film, i never considered possible. Its much more in line with the scene in the film Hanninbal when i guy that has been given a frontal lobotomy is given his own brain to eat that has been carefully lightly fried by Hannibal. That was most unpleasant, but one hopes at least fictional. This dish, the instructions for which i will presently relate, may be fictional too, but ive had too seperate people assure me its true. Although you may find trouble getting the key ingredient for this highly original dish, i will put down the preparation instructions for you here. I dont know what the dish is called, but lets call it Brain Food.

Step 1: Take one dinner table. In the middle of it cut a hole, about eight inches in diameter.

Step 2: Assemble diners. begin eating other dishes.

Step 3: Take one monkey, live, and secure it in position under the table so that the top of its skull protrudes above the table through the prepared hole.

Step 4: Using a chisel and a monkey wrench (perhaps where the name comes from?) crack open the skull of the still live monkey. Do try not to make a mess.

Step 5: Invite guests to begin ravenously gorging themselves on the pulsating brain.

Step 6: Throw lots for the eyeballs.

After that you'll never think twice about eating chicken feet. Suddenly theyre not even exotic, and that is a frightening thought.

TulsaHilton: When will these people understand that theres really much more to be said for cod and chips? or at least a steak and kidney pie. I guess they were of the opinion that a puppy wasnt just for christmas either.

Football Rich: Not sure. By the way, what happened to the hockey?

Evil Uncle 27/2: Well, war is hell. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. 'Land Of Hope and Buggery'. Something like that. 1/3: i hear his client was so disappointed at the standard of service he never came again. 3/3: I'd do anything for my students. Im a very giving person. 5/3: like i said, Im very giving.

Benny: YOu know theyre turning blackpool into the british vegas? Vegas baby.

Laura: not a bad idea. the little buggers have gotme to sing tomorrow. might try sit on my face. Paddy Paddy RARARAARAR! Heard from him recently?

VInnyboy: wasnt 'the last of the mohicans' was it? fraid ive nto seen the last samurai. saw American Splendor the other day tho, that was pretty good.

Hamlet: Oh i put it on my application.

Posted 9:08 AM by Gobbler
When the cats away...

Lets start at a point vaguely approaching the beginning. Saturday night some punks of the CIEE variety came over to Yangzhou COD from Nanjing. Originally they planned a day trip but they were soon won over by the city's magic and decided to stay the night. It had nothing to do with the fact that theyd probably miss the last bus, oh no. We went out to meet them for the second time. On this occassion we were successful, and directed them to our hotel.

I say second time, oh yes. The first time was a catalogue of woe and misery, misfortune and bad luck. Just after we had arranged a time to meet, a sudden mutiny in the bowels of the good ship Goulden meant that it was necessary to immediately weigh anchor in poo bay and assess damage and so on. This meant we were about 25 minutes late getting to the rendevous. They werent there.

We waited for a bit at the entrance to Yangzhou's celebrated Potted Plant Garden, the appointed place, for a little while without success, and figured that they had probably got bored of waiting and had gone in without us. So Rubrick and I forked out the 50 kwai (the gits have put the price up) and spent two fruitless hours walking around looking for them. What fun.

We returned to the hotel and in due course Pete rang. According to his report they had waited at the exact same spot as us at almost the exact same time for about half an hour. Perhaps, somehow, we had temporarily slipped into alternate planes of existence. It would explain the quandry. We talked practicalities over the phone. There were 5 of them, and three of them wanted beds. So I, with trusty phrasebook in hand, and becoming smile on face, went to reception to find out how much 3 beds would cost. 120 each, 360, fairly steep. Pete rang back to find out what i knew. They decided that was too expensive, they would take 2 rooms. This turned out to be only 200. On one hand this confused me but, well of course! it makes perfect sense! quite natural to charge more per person if theres more people staying. Anyhow, we arranged to meet a second time in the same place, and, passing some guy with geese rammed into all the available orifae of his bike, succeeded in finding them and bringing them to our hotel. Eventually we got to see their room, all 200 yuan of it. Two big rooms, a sitting room and a bedroom, and a bathroom. With a double bed and 5 single beds. Thats enough beds to sleep 7. For 200 kwai. And its 360 for 3. Reminding myself that i did not score excellently in my last maths exam i did not question the logic of the hotel. This is china. What a dream! We had 5 happy nanjingers as we headed out for dinner.

We met Bill for dinner. Bill as you must know by now is my waiban, my helper. He does lots of useful things like order chicken feet and sparrows at dinner, replaces my bike when i crush it, organises new lessons and then asks if i would like to do them, and drinks lots of beer. He has an accomplice, Mrs Bill. Theyre legally married but in china they dont say theyre married until theyve had the traditional ceremony so he still calls her his girlfriend. She seems very pleasant and often comes to dinner with us, but rarely, in fact never yet, says anything to anyone other than bill, whom she presumably calls Mr Bill. I had imagined that bill would turn up to dinner accompanied by the pleasant Mrs Bill, as per usual, but no sir. He was accompanied by his friend whose card tells me is called Jane.

Mrs Bill does not approve of Jane. This may have something to do with the fact that Jane is, as the saying goes, as pretty as a picture. She has a head shaped like a sunflower seed, for some reason very sought after in these parts, and she is generally considered to be tip top. Bill looked rather pleased with himself and wasted no time in picking a magazine off the shelf in the restaurant and showing us her modelling some stuff. I was a bit dubious that it was her at first but after consideration i think it probably was. Bill used to work with Jane and they became friends. But, as i said, Mrs Bill does not approve of Jane and gets angry when Bill goes out with her. How then did Bill get to bring Jane along and not Mrs Bill on this saturday night? We found out while Jane was in the loo. Turns out Mrs Bill has gone home for the weekend so bills taking advantage of her absence. Its all a big secret so shh dont say anything. And in case any of this should get back to Mrs Bill i should say that there was no sign of any romance between them, they just seemed good friends. But one can muse.

This tale of beauty, romance and dinner does not end here, remarkably. I, we, didnt chat to Jane much at all as her English did not appear to be all that great and she didnt seem too talkative. But on leaving the restaurant and on the way to the bar, Jane walked alongside and we had a quick chat. Turns out she works as a manager. She gave me her card and gave me her number. i gave her mine. She went on talking. Shes a manager, as i said, at a club in town. A mini-golf club to be precise. I'm afraid she may have caught an ill-hid smirk when she told me. Well, it was quite funny. I didnt know mini-golf places had managers. Im pretty sure they dont down in weston-super-mare. They have windmills and water features for sure, but managers? Well, i always did enjoy a few rounds of mini-golf...

The night carried on with canal bar and then banana disco, complete with a bottle of vodka, (which took 15 minutes to order and 10 to drink) and a bouncing dancefloor. The vodka was prompted by Magdelena, who Polish, and the rest of us, who were thirsty. Wacky days people, wacky days. Not Wackaday with that tosser Timmy Mallet.

talk backs another time, sorry for slack responses

Posted 10:17 AM by Gobbler
"If you go to the country, you will find a tree..." - Some really rubbish piece of jazz music i heard once

This title is obviously all to do with bicycles. Specifically me on my bike Bluebelle in Yangzhou, City Of Dreams (COD), Jiangsu province. Bluebelle and I have been together ever since my last bicycle SPOT (Shoddy Piece Of Tosh) collapsed three weeks ago.

Now, the riding of bicycles in China, specifically Yangzhou, C.O.D., is an interesting and, by and large, exciting means of transport. Its not that Im particularly excited about riding bikes, in case youre wondering. Its more to do with the rules of the road in China. Put simply the rule(s) of the road in China is biggest vehicle first. Whichever thing on the road would come out better in a head on collision has right of way. Most of the time it works well enough. Understandably, bicycles are not the biggest thing on the roads and therefore riding one about, even one as splendid as bluebelle, probably lowers ones life expectancy by a few years, tho ive not seen anyone get splatted yet.

Back home in Ye Olde England, things like freezing fog, ice, adverse cambers and snow create what is commonly call Hazardous Driving Conditions. Let me use a simple example. When Mr Bob sets out for the evening in his motor car, Mrs Bob waves goodbye, saying earnestly "Now do be careful Mr. Bob. Michael Fish (the weatherman) says that there might be some freezing fog about tonight creating Hazardous Driving Conditions." To which Mr. Bob cheerfully replies "Don't worry dear Mrs. Bob, I surely will be careful." Some hours later poor Mr. Bob has to contend not only with freezing fog, however. He is confronted by what can be termed 'Extremely Hazardous Driving Conditions' when he returns from his evening out. As he leaves the establishment he has been frequenting there is a shout from behind him. "Careful out there now Mr. Bob! Harzardous Driving Conditions out there tonight!" "Always a kind word," thinks Mr Bob as he gets in the car, "From the ol' landlord."

So you see, sometimes there are hazardous driving conditions in places like England. But China, so far as i can gather, is one big hazardous driving condition. Here are some handy tips with catchy titles on road safety in China.

'Here today, gone tomorrow.'

China is a rapidly developing country. This means it is necessary to drill holes in, tear up, re-lay, close, demolish, alter, eradicate roads and road related paraphernalia with startling regularity and efficiency. The Chinese built a 1000 bed hospital in beijing during the sars outbreak in three days, and had it fully operational in six. Imagine what they can do to a bit of tarmac.

'Chinese roads is like a box of chocolates. You never know what youre gonna get next'

Every day something newly wierd can be found on the roads that raises a smile and a chuckle and the possibility of a good crash. Nearly crashed yesterday when loud squawks from a passing bicycle quite disturbed me. I regained control in time to see about 15 squawking geese secured in a basket on the back of someones bike, their heads craning desperately. Perhaps he was taking them on holiday.

'Mad Mr Mannering MAD.'

It happens everywhere; some people just turn out that way. Mad, I mean. Totally bonkers, real fruit loops, nutty, loony, crazy, wonky, the list goes on.

Case 1: 'Oh Yes, I work at the tire factory.'

Cycling along the other day we were startled by the sound of smashing glass. One notices these noises as broken glass can do all sorts of bad things to bicycles. Broken glass is one of the reasons why cycling in china is always undertaken in Hazardous Conditions. We looked to see where the broken glass was and soon heard another smash. Then we spotted her, the mad or just mad-evil-angry or just drunk miskempt old lady, wailing a bit, waving her arms around a bit, wobbling from side to side a bit, picking up bottles from the side of the road and throwing them into the path of oncoming traffic a bit. 'Crunch Crrrunch' as numerous cars drove over the shards. We took a swift exit.

Case 2: havent actually got one. sorry

'Some Things in China are old.'

Some things in China are old, and not as well preserved as the Great Wall which looks so marvellous in all those photos. There is a bridge that we cycle across frequently to get to certain places. It was closed yesterday, for a very good reason. A brief inspection showed that it had developed a whopping big hole. that is to say, about a quarter of it had collapsed into the canal, leaving more of an abyss than a hole. So, when travelling in China, be prepared to alter your travel route at any moment, and always wear your swimming costume lest a bridge collapses.

Talkbacks tomorrow. Its international womens day then. Obvious time to do it really. Oh and Mike, Happy Birthday punk.