Posted 10:17 AM by Gobbler
All in a days Blog

If youve got a job that starts at the normal time, say nine am, you probably havent noticed this. If you havent got a job youre probably too busy sitting on the coiuch wrapped up in your blanket watching countdown and repeats of ER. But if like me you have a job that starts at twelve midday and is in the middle of town you may have noticed something. Its when the grannies come out to shop, complete with trollies, walking sticks, zimmers and those cool granny-mobiles for the rich oldies. There, in the centre of town, they are overtaken by snails as they bumble around town for the daily shop. The temptation to run them over as you are late for work and they take five minutes to cross the road is strong. I suppose you cant blame them for shopping so slowly: if they zipped round in ten minutes then they'd have zippo to do for the rest of the day. And countdown doesnt come on til 4:15.

Moral of the story: equip motor vehicle with large horn to toot thus keeping pensioners moving more quickly.

Posted 2:54 PM by Gobbler
We Wish You a Merry Bloggy and a Happy New Blog


As I was walking through the meadows one day with a cup of Earl Grey, I thought; 'By Golly!', I thought. Earl Grey comes from China! Some excellent fellow brought the recipe back from China and presented it to Lord Grey, the Second Earl of Somewhere Marvellous, quite some time ago. If I can but get this recipe for myself I can produce my own rival tea. Never again shall I be forced to rely on Twinings for the unequalled beverage. I shall be rich! I shall call my tea Master Goulden. No, no wait! Perhaps Earl Goulden, or maybe Lord. So many choices. But first I shall have to go to China.

This is a quick insight into the complex thought processes behind my decision to go to China. Its all arranged now, more or less. The intensive Mandarin course designed to allow me in three days to grasp the rudimentaries of the strange lingo, to differentiate and appreciate the nuances of the various Ching noises and Chong noises. One doesnt want to gallivant into a local restaurant and mistakenly order a plate of SARS or somesuch undesirable Chinese creation. I'll stick to Noodles and Sweet and Sour Pork thanks very much and if, as i suspect, its completely different over there and 'orrible and nasty, I shall just have to order a take away from nerris's local Take-Away, the Jade Fortune Palace.

Which reminds me of this one time at Harrow, Hill on the, pronounced "HA-OH" in a throaty posh voice, as it is rather well to do, when i ordered a Chinese from the local ethnic home delivery restaurant of the appropriate nationality. Unfortunately i was in something of a silly mood and somewhat mispronounced the words slightly. 'Prawn Crackers' became 'Por Ka-ka', 'noodles' 'Noo-dol', 'Chicken Chow Mein' 'Chik-ky Chow Meeei' and so on. 'Spare Ribs' to 'Spawibs'. The point of this is not to raise debate as to whether or not they soiled our food (in my defence i just thought that if i put on a Chinese accent they would understand me better. Unfortunately i kept creasing up with laughter while i spoke tho try as i might i couldnt stop the accent - the brute had taken over my fragile little mind.) but to raise the question as to the odds of me surviving 6 months in China without being shot for being a capitalist agitator and enemy of the people. I hear that you dont get arrested for being a Communist there. Apparently its in vogue. Those students in Tiannamen Square werent marching for Democracy you know. Admittedly they werent marching for Communism either. They wanted more Earl Grey Tea. And pies. And trains. And they wanted a Monorail link with Belgium. All of these things the govt. didnt like much and so they sent in the tanks. Now i like a good tank as much as the next bloke but appreciate that the protesters probably werent marching for more tanks.

Time has moved on since my last blog. Now working for the council, but quit early due to things to organise for China. This has annoyed people all round and i feel a bit of a naughty boy for messing around my fairly stirling employers. Started last week and may be finishing tomorrow. Its all highly confidential stuff, Social Services and all. They only remembered the confidentiality agreement yesterday, so had i blogged last week i could have told you all sorts of interesting things. All i can tell you now is that when people consider that in life they have heard enough to stop listening and grown enough to stop making mistakes, which i've heard being called 'adulthood', progress stops and trouble starts. and thats not nice to see. That, i suppose, comes under the thought for the day category, and the thought for the day, just like in He-Man, comes at the end. So Id better dtop here, tho ive only just started really. yet to tell you all about the dent in my car, lord of the rings risks, new year, snow, chrimbo and king JC. But i'll be off til at least Sunday as im away. Oxford tomorrow night for Vinny Boy and possibly Dominika of guatemalan fame. then londinium for mandarin, mateys and maybe more...

Evil Uncle: Yeah i went off to Bognor for a bit. Lovely town. Nice fish. Old trout a speciality down there.

Kat: My Mum's spent the last 22 years trying to get me to take regular baths. Cant win tho as her idea of regular is thrice daily. Goes on about them so much that theyre now just called NHB's in my house. (Nice Hot Bath). Hope the greek went well, got any chinese up that sleeve of yours? dont suppose you went to the village of Nerris on your Euro tour did you? lovely gaff. Merry christmas to you too good lady, tho tis a trifle late. We used to have hummers at school. They were the farts that lingered at nose level for minutes on end occassionally causing vomiting, nausea and palpitations. I presume you are not talking about the same thing. I do not slack. I merely lost my computer. funny thing is it turns out it was on my desk the whole time. dont know how i missed it. Mad world.

Holly Spice mkIII & Rachel: Peace out people. Sorry i wasnt more peaceful thos i do think one or all of the spice models may be going a little fruity.

Me: Peace out to the max bro. And yo bitch big up to all the niggers in the hood. growin up in the ghettos was tough, did'n' get treated like i should, yo nigger it was rough, but my mom taught me to be strong, taught me right from wrong, the book from the gun, the ho from the nun. taught me to shout it all about: yo bro! Peace Out! ['Homies in the hood from the ghetto project goin uptown' will be out soon at all good record stores in february]

Tulsa Hilton: A belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all as well. I had a rather good one which is always nice tho by no means guaranteed. Breakfast was marv tho as you say auntie may have been spending too much time toasting her trains. perhaps evil uncle spiked her.

Vinny Boy: As Rachel would say: Done and dusty.

Cheesemonger: Yes old boy but my ghetto only has electricity for three hours a year. not like ha-oh on the hill, or even twickers for that matter. And I might take to calling you Cheesoid. Or perhaps Fromoid.

All the rest: damned funny, like a, like a punk.