Posted 4:46 PM by Gobbler
The Paraguay Blog

Crime, Corruption and Contraband

Thats right people. Contraband. Barely a finer word ahs ever existed, and Paraguay's got it all. As Lonely Planet put it, Paraguay has had 'one of the most durable dictatorships in South America', and if you know s. american history, thats pretty good going. its also possibly the most corrupt country in south america which, again, is no mean feat. We're currently in Asuncion, the capital, which pretty much means we're in the capital of the capital of corruption and Contraband. Contrabands a great word and most countries dont have much by way of contrband. The legitamte industries in this country are maize, a few other crops, but the main iundustry is, is, is Contraband. Marajuana does pretty good business too. Thats right, Paraguay is built on healthy portions of smuggling and Contraband. Theres also a good dollop of Nazi's here, having come here after they discovered that the rest of the world didnt like them very much. Just go and watch 'The Boys From Brazil' if you dont believe me. not the greatest film but it does have gregory peck and laurence olivier in it so not all bad. my bros got it, sure hed be happy to lend it.

A 17 hour bus journey took us from Buenos Aires to here. Despìte breaking down three or four times the bus made it almost on time, and here we were, ready to get our fair share of the three C's, most especially contraband. Asuncions really quite a nice little capital. despite getting ripped off on our taxi, the meter working overtime no doubt due to its being a piece of contrabnd and tampered with by corrupt criminals, and weve landed ourselves in a plush hotel for which we are paying an exhorbitant 25 us dollars. does have air con, a pool and amini fridge so its not that were geting ripped off by people concerned with CCC its just that we've landed ourselves in a posh joint. even got cable t.v. had meant to go to the cheapo hotel espaniol but apparently its shut down so we ended up there instead. ah well, ok for a night. all a bit CCC tho.

So, as i was saying, Paraguay is a marvelñlous place. Top South American country. Letrs look at the historyt for a moment. top of the list is 'El Supremo'. After his daddy built railways, roads and other important infrastructureal improvements, El Supremo came to power. He decided that he had to do better than his old dad. Step One reasonably enough was to change his name to something badass sounding, and El Supremo did the trick nicely. not sure what his name was bnefore, perhaps it was eduardo. Step Two was to embarek on a glorious war to expand Paraguay's territory. Unfortunately El Supremo was not a tactical heavyweight and the results were distinctly regrettable albeit unsurprising. Declaring war on not one or two but all his neighbours, i.e. Argentina, Brazil and Bolivia, El Supremo found himself outnumbered 10 - 1. Kill them all! He said, and bnefore the end he had boys of twelve on the frontline doing just that. for some reason even the boys of twelve proved unable to do the job, and El Supremo managed to stop the war. he became a little paranoid after this, as he was of the bizarre opinion that didnt like him very much. noone was allowed to come within 6 feet of him on pain of death, and all food and drink was tested for poison. He slept in a different room every night. but this is all kind of the usual fare for paranoid dictators. El Supremo went one better, so the story goes. he ordered that anyone caught staring at the palace should be shot in the head, even before they had stopped looking. A crucial part of todays tour of the city was therefore to go down the the palace and have a good old gape. got a nice picky of me staring upon the beast insidiously. El Supremo. In the end not all that supremeo.

Another crucial pickie was got a couple of days ago at Fray Bentos. First of all i should concede that there are a grand total of 0 pies of any description in Fray Bentos. A huge pile of rusty hooks in the factory, there were thousands, belied the fact that oncew upon a time lots of pies were made. they kille dthe cows, pigs, sheep and chickens on the third floor of the slaughter house, as they could then wing the carcasses down the relevant shutes. You would have thought they might use a lift or some thing to get them up to the top, but oh no. they used: The Ramp Of Death. First of all they went through a bath of disinfectant before getting onto the ramp. instinctively perhaps, often the animals would not be too keen to get out the ramp of death, and would linger in the bath, so they electrified the water. "But not enough to kill them of course, he heee! Moooo!" Explained Dianna, our guide. Thats right, Dianna was our guide. Laura, you were quite right, and she is pretty mad. I suppose you would be a bit loopy if youd been giving guided tours round a slaughter house for years. Not as insane as i had hoped, but she quite clearly revelled in the whole slaughter house thing. She knew quite a bit, for example, the Fray Bentos factory was the fiorst palce in the whole of Uraguay to get electricity, 4 years before the capital city, Montevideo. "To make more pies, he hee! Moooo!" Apparently the only part of the cow not used in the factorty was the moo. Dianna has found a way.

We wandered back to the town, along the picturesque waterfront. A beautiful town, but not nearly enough pies. none in fact, and no contrabnd either. it was time to leave.

A Bottle Of Beaujolais!

Went via Buenos Aires to Asuncion, and we arrived here some hours later than first conceived. This is because of a bottle of wine we had in montevideo. it meant we got the later bus that night which unbeknownst tom us took an extra 4 hours to get to Fray, which meant we missed the morning tours, which meant that we could not get to a nearby town in time to pick up the uraguay bus to asuncion, which meant we had to go to b.a. to pick up one, thinking they would be more frequewnt there. this turned out not to be the case, and we had to wait 12 hours for one to leave. we went back to hostel clan, dumped our stuff and finally took in the history museum which was mediocre and notably vague about the falklands war. the bus here was to take 17 nours but as i say took longer due to breaking down three or four times. each time a different bit of bus was opened up and each time the mechanic was victorious. not the best bus in the world.

We're in the capital of corruption, and will shortly, after a shower and possibly some dinner, be heading to Bar Brittania, an expat bar, for some contrband guiness. then tomorrow its time already for our next top paraguayan treat. Ciudad Del Este, "The City of The East" (Not really imaginative, its on the eastern boundaries of Paraguay).

Because you see, friends, Asuncion isnt enough for us. its childs play, its tame. what we need is a spot of the ciudad del este. nicki spotted it in the lp the other day. i quote from its pages: "Grubby, chaotic Ciudad Del Este has an unfortunate reputation as one of South Americas most corrupt cities, frequented by smugglers and money launderers... by 5pm all business has cleared away and the city takes on a deserted and sinister feel..." Sounds marvellous doesnt it? we'll be staying til about 5:15 then legging it for the Foz de Iguazu, them there lovely waterfalls. Well, best get going and try out the local nightlife. if bar brittania fails tom impress then i have found a joint peculiarly called Playboy, with some description of rabbit on the front. entirely curious as to what its about, might have to have a peek later.

Evil Uncle: sorry unc, mabels been and done. got any paraguay related numbers? Hockey Rich: diplomacy seems like a right treat, pencil me in. as long as theres room for a good bit of CCC and Nazi enclavesa opf course. glad petes ok, though i knew he would be. he is a Warlord after all. Might start calling him El Supremo. Kat: Sooo, lesbo eh? lovelybubbley: got the email, thanks. Decided to avoid all closure from now on, sticking to Contraband. far more risquee. Laura: Ah, the falklands. those were them days of yore. back in 8 days. crickey. All The Rest: I see you! And i know a punk when i see one. You are a punk. Dont go to paraguay unless carrying contraband. they dont like your type around there.

Posted 11:08 AM by Gobbler
Shes got a Ticket to Blog but she dont Dare

Though undoubtedly a fiendish collection of punks, ly and barge, i feel a little talk backage is warranted. i hadnt replied to the closure episode, it was, as Evil Uncle mentioned, oral liquid chud. twas just a thought you know, perhaps better kept to within the crevices of my cranial cavity, cooped quietly, convalescing. crazy.

Rach: glad to hear you got over it. but you know, closure is a much more economical way of putting it... Hockey Rich: i may well have recommended diplomacy but cant remember what it is. any luck with it? and its all about public transport. take trains for example, now trains are great... and tell me what happens in the film and i will crap on you when i get back. And i checked that site. damn funny. you showed it me a while back, but the new stuff is top work. pie. Evil Uncle. Blog now back to regular movements. being monitored closely to prevent further outflowing of chuddage. nobody wants that, makes the whole place whiffy. Cheesemonger: Closure shmosure, i am inwincible. and no i havent, just reminiscing on some fine ol' times. Kat: No, nothing to do with you sweety pie, but closure does seem to be an american phenomenon gradually spreading across the globe, a bit like the great pie disaster of 1938 in Uruguay. incidentally that was the first time any country successfully (albeit unintentionally) launched an Inter Continental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) 'cept of course they called it an ICBP. and good work on the dumping tactics with i now consider this relationship to be null and void. however brillant that is, and it is pretty spanking, and something for which you are to be commended, i cannot help feeling that i have gone one better. "I think you should know that whatever we've done or might have done, I did purely and simply in the name of science. I'm going now." Face to face is always better, he hee. and it appears that all this closure talk has meant a bit of American has rubbed off on me. AWESOME!

The time has come to go to the pie factory. One hour and counting.

Posted 10:39 AM by Gobbler
Its a hit, its a blog, blog is it (written 9/12, yesterday but i couldnt post)

Hot Dog! Its Uraguay and its stormin! Had to get down with one last steak in buenos ayres and finally get the blinkers out of there, then it was off on the boat to colonia at 9 am. clearly it was necessary to taxi it which we duly did. nicki and i and heather, an american specimen from corpus christi in texas. what a fine lady she was. though due credit where is due, her engliush wasnt bad, but the southern drawl was a constant source of entertainment. she found it funny talking english too, so there was mutual entertainment. But, say "Hey y'all, look at that quaint wall. its like, quaint.' with a decent southern twang and youve got somethiung indescribable.

we got our taxi at about eight. taxi journeys are almost universally quite bland but this one was a real treat. Bearing in mind what i said the other day about the partying not finishing too early in those there parts, it should perhaps have come as no surprise when senor cabby, shortly after we had begun our journey, started lugging on a tin of beer, began humming some jolly tune and wobbling his head from side to side. A tatoo, nestled amongst the abundance of tatoos on his left arm read 'Meine Liebe', 'My Life' and i began to worry that there was a sporting chance that, given the unorthodox nature of his driving, he didnt care about his much which made me rather concerned aboput my own. this thought was reinforced when we narrowly missed another car at a junction. a lastg minute change of course saved us and prompted a hearty chuckle from the cabby followed by a few words to the effect of 'ha ha, look at the other cars, bad traffic, ho ho.' however, despite giving such an air of confindence he rolled his head a little more keenly and even slapped it about a bit. in an extra effort to keep sharop he then let a cigarette.

we got there, to the ferry terminal that isaa, and once wed got through the ridiculous multi-step boarding process: queue for bit of paper, queue to hand in bit of papera dn pay, queue for check in, queue for security (with a lovely metal detector to go through. bleep bleep it went, but noone seemd to care much and we just carried on. perhaps they just wanted to check that it worked.) queue for immigration, queue for handing over ticket, queue to get on board. Being british and all i just loved it, all that queueing. eventually got on board, found a nice comfortable chair and went to sleep.
Woke up to a rainy Colonia, Uraguay. After some bus station action where we organised buses and stroed our bags we went off to do colonia.

theres not a huge amount to do in colonia, and even less to do in the rain. my newly repaired semi-operational trek-`special sandals were ineffective on the wet cobbled streets and my jumper began to smell of wetness. dont know why wooly jumpers do this but i soon began to exude a vague whiff of sheep. We decided to beat a temporary hasty withdrawal to a restaurant for lunch. after lunch we braved the rain to explore a bit, but only as far as the cafe offering cheese and wine, a far drier option. It was necessary to try uraguayan wine you see. uraguayan wine is red largely, with a slight hint of brown. it is very much like other nwine in consistency and taste.

i know its virtually impossible to belive, but i'll be home soon, and so the time is now that i have to start picking up pressies for the derserving chaps back home, and so a couple of crqaft markets were perused, though the tat quite tatty and tourist oriented. after a little tour of the town we retreated to the relative safety of another bottle of wine.
saying 'see y'arl later darrrlin' we left heather in colonia and offed to montevideo, where we are now. a smaller version of b.a. its really quite a treat. We established ourselves at hotel windsor with the man with one hand and then toured the place, finding a fine i-talian for dinner. a disgusting bill including a surprise 23% tax later we found a bar and proceeded to get local. unfortunately miss aldridges unreliable plumbing system got the better of her and we didnt stay long. i considered abandoning her there to investigate further some interesting features of the bar but decided that it wasnt the done thing and so we returned home.

unfortunately our run down hotel room shares certain similarities with a prison cell and isnt too heavy on the windows. we didnt realise that the day was well on its way until, in pitch black, we checked the time at 3:40 pm. its now 10:50 and a couple of markets have been perused. we're booked in on the 2 am bus to the land of pies. Yes people, its very nearly fray bentos time.

But there is one last thing to do here in montevideo. anyone remember that old classic, The Battle of The River Plate, when, some years back now, the British Royal Navy gave the dastardly Nazi scourge a thorough bashing? When The Graf Spee, the German Pocket Battleship`(like a battleship but one you can fit in your pocket) was given what for by HMS Ajax, HMS Achilles and HMS Exeter? Well, I do. Eventually the germans got into a spot of bother too many and scuttled their ship in montevideo harbour. you used to be able to see it but its gone now. anyhow, in the film they havbe some scenes in the harbour and it looks interesting so were going to head down that way for dinner. better go in fact, time ticks on.

Evil Uncle: as to your earlier comment, maybe a little bit of both, as to the last, why else would anyone go? it wasnt for teh free drink. Vinny Boy: ROger Roger, pencil me in. Laura: fray bentos, what a dream. had another fancy dress suggestionj, a bit better than the last perhaps. not very appropraite for newcastle, but how about london sçtube stations? Kat: I was when you wrote that to be sure. quite sober now though. glad youre keeping youself well lubricated. Sianodel. Records such as that cannot be easily challenged let alone defeated. and im out of training.


Blog Bentos - todays masterpiece -

Couldnt post yesterday due to a minor technicla fault, so it will be found below this one. or above in fact. what will they think of next?

Right so we got to Fray Bentos this morning and will be on the tour at half five ths afternoon. We went to a restaurant for a bit of eat as you do and you know what, a travesty has occured. no bloody pie anywhere. not even a sniff of pie. and, despite my previous bold optimism, it seems likely that the factory wont have any pies either, not even a couple of plastic models of them to give the museum that crucial edge of realism. Fray Bentos is a nice little town, but it needs more pies. call me a cartman-esque pie monster but a town that has made its name from processing 2000 cows a day into fine pieage should keep a good supply of pies on standby 24/7. Regrettably Fray Bentos may ultimately disappoint.

tonight nicki and i head back to buenos aires briefly to then get on up to Ascunsion in paraguay to have a quick looksee. apparently the place has some good budget markets. i just love shopping and have a few pressies to get before i return across the pond and so a few of you out there can look forward to some quality Paraguayan paraphernalia.

bus journey last night was quite plain, 100% run of the mill. got the three fifteen am effort rahter than the two oclock jobbie as it suddenyl occured to us that there was another jar of wine to drink. things went a bit pete tong when nicki had to make an emergency bog run ending in a multi orifae ejection situation. might have had something to do with the liver we ate, or the suspicious sausages we tucked into. they looked like juicy chipolatas but it turned out they were just strips of fat. Mmmm, Tasty. no pie last night either. Somebody Bring Me a God-Damned Pie!!!!!!!!!!!! bus journey turned out to be 7 hours rather than three and a half, it was the slow bus that stopped at all the local places. i thought this sort of thing only happened with trains but apparently buses have caught on too. which reminds me, i've got another train lined up, but i dont want to get you excited before time. i understand people! ive got to get to grips with to the matter in hand. its something ive been at pains to explain to other people before and ive found it a pleasing and rewarding experience to give such advice. perhaps i should start up an educational establishment on the subject. anyway, the point is, our current topic is the Pieland of Fray Bentos. Its a bit like Michael Jacksons Neverland except with more cows and less children. And MJ, as youre probably reading this, a little tip for you. Nothing to do with tips for long distnace road travel but, as Mr Bond James Bond learnt to his cost, never say never. it appears not to have stopped you, but a more appropriate name for your earthly paradise could surely have been found. cant think of one at the mo, but surely theres one out there. As people discovered in that dubious film 'American Pie', your finger is not the only thing you can stick in a pie.

So this Fray Bentos place. lots of cows turned to pie over the years and shipped out across the globe to pie lovers everywhere. 2000 thousand cows a day gives you a heck of a lot of pie, and quality pie it was too. 4000 people laboured night and day to chop up cow as speedily as possible to satisfy the worlds ravenous pie desire. but one day, that fateful day back in 1938, there was the Great Pie Disaster. The head pie man, the most respected pie guru in all of Pieland, failed to turn up to work one day. he was responsibe for putting the pies in the boxes and the boxes into the lorry. Due to a fatal Pie-overdose the night before, however, he was not around to work. thhe inevitabale happened. the pies kept pieling up at the end of the great pie machine, hundreds of thousands of pies coming off the production line, but with no-one to box them up, they just pieled up.

This created a huge piel of pies, and it got bigger and bigger, for hours and hours, bigger and bigger. And what do you think happened next. Well, a similar thing to what happens when you get piels, the factory became most uncomfortable. but it was a quality factory, made of the finest materials, not least pierite, and wasnt going to give in easily. Pie mounted on pie, the tins bgan to squish, until eventually the pies reached critical mass. the pieometer went of the scale. Nobody knew anyhting about it until the pie factory erupted, sending millions of pies miles into the sky. hence the phrase "pie in the sky". up they went, with such force that an aeroplane got shot down. luckily noone was hurt, but they were severely pied off with the whole affair. the pies didnt stop, they went into the stratosphere, or perhaps it was the ionosphere, i forget.

like a huge pìe cloud, they travelled some distance in the air, before eventually coming down to earth. mostly they landed in Australia, an impressive distance away. i know this sounds incredible, but it does happen. remember those toads that ladned somewhere else. Now the Aussies didnt appreciate Fray Bentos pies, they werent shrimp and you couldnt barbecue them. they did come in a tin, but they didnt have beer in them. Australia had rejected the Fray Bentos pie, but they were soon to change their minds. For as hundreds of thousands of pies came crashing to earth like a meteor storm. they were curious, i mean you would be. eventually they cracked open a tin or two, and discovered that, yes indeed the pies were mighty fine. they felt humbled that such a curious incident had led them to discover the joy of the pie, they truly were eating 'humble pie', which is where that phrase comes from. Furthermore, many saw it as a sign from God that He was with them, in the form of Fray Bentos pies, as manna from the good Lord above, and thousands made an instant resolutio0n to devote their lives to God, and thus became pieous, which is where that word comes from. Moral of the story: If at first you dont succeed, try, try a pie.

And if youll believe that you'll believe anything.

Posted 9:50 PM by Gobbler
The Battle of a River Plate

Clubbing in buenos ayres dont half grind one down. ones body becomes somewhat paralised and useful activity is impossible. This is due to being paralytic quite a lot. Take last night for example. we'd had a nice afternoon walking arou8nd b.a., stoping for lunch here and a two hour game of 'the name game' (never forget to use Dick Dastardly and Penelope Pitstop) over a coffee there. the plan was to go for a nice meal, say some fine wine and a steak, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. but oh no, that was clearly crazy talk. what thougths one does come up with every now and again. what a wally i was. a far more sensible option was to go out to a bar and then to a club afterwards.

in good old blighty your average run of the mill club opens about 9 or ten and closes at two. in ba a slightly different time scale is employed. they open at two and close at about nine or ten. so the sensible option was quite obviously to go to a bar first, i mean, what does one do until then? i had to pick up some cash from la machina, the ATM. withdrawing my 400 pesos, i had to dodge the shoeless child rolling around by the machine, trying to get my attention by banging a stick on the door. very grubby little chappy so he was, reminded me of the poor unfortunates in places like cambodia and the 'nam. its to be expected in such countries, where theyve had too many wars, too many landmines and not enough dickety ding dang dollars. Buenos Ayres, Argentina, outside a cash machine, on the main street with the posh hotelsw, posh restaurant and a general abundance of dollars, poor unfortunate young chappy seemed a little out of place. I gave him consoling looks but was far from close to opening my wallet to him. theres thousands of them here the same, who look like him and dress like him and just dont have a thing like him. oh well. when in rome, do as the romans they taught me at school. i beat a hasty retreat. good heavens, he was probably diseased! one might have caught something.

at about midnight we headed out to some bar, which were pretty full of pretty people, pretty lights, pretty coloured drinks, and pretty awful music. Pretty good all told. in due course we headed to MINT, the club for the evening. the musioc was decidedly shoddy in my opinion, comprising of largely shoddy drummy numbers. but it was party on. i duly did. afterwards we got some burgersd in, and shortly before half ten i was tucked up in bed. thats not very early is it?

today we went to see a footy game, (that'll be soccer then), which was quite rubbish. River Plate were playing some other opunks and the game was 1-1. 12,000 odd in the crowd, not doing much to fill the 80,000 odd all seater stadium. As far as titanic battles go it didnt really compete with the 1939 england v germany effort involving the graf spee, another famous battle of the river plate. but thats another story.

tonight we finally got in our top-drawer meal. it is nice to go to a top drawer restaurant and only pay 15 bucks. i had the spit-roasted kid. it had to be done really. perhaps i have discovered argentinas solution to all the forlorn street urchins. i wondered whether they would bring me out a selection to choose from. caused a chuckle at the dinner table, such is the company i keep. i think it was just an error in the menu however, as it looked more like lamb. either way it was very tasty and excellent value. nice.

uruguay tomorrow, and the mystical land of fray bentos. soon i will explain where the phrases 'pie in the sky' and 'humble pie' come from, and explain the tragic pie disaster of 1938. bet you cant wait.