Posted 5:09 PM by Gobbler
We're in the bloggy

Just checked my finances to discover that they're really quite healthy. Have been going over budget big time what with spanish lessons and costly excursions into the wild, but i find that my account is holding up well. I have however decided to instigate stringent budget cuts for south america and see what happens. In my experience, whatever budget youve go you'll spend. This applies to everything. In Blighty, (the fair land from which i hail and, be the gods willing, to where i may one day return) a trip down the pub of an evening always leaves you with 15 pence left in your pocket whether you wnet out with five quid or fifty. Having plenty of money while travelling only encourages one to splurge on unnecessary bits and bobs. Over my time here, for example, i've been persuaded to by a host of souvenirs, most of which i cant acrry and will have to give away before i get home. Money in your back burner goes one way or another. If youve only got 1 pound to spend on dinner, you go to a street stall. If youve got ten, you go to a restaurant. The results are usually the same, viz. you get fed. Admittedly the chances of the food staying in your stomach (as opposed to being rejected through the orifice of entrance or being granted an express ticket to Chud Central in Poo Bay, Crapland) are somewhat higher if you go to a restaurant, but this is not always the case. And if you've got money it only tempts you to go to bars and clubs and brothels and other such places of sin and ill repute. And if you've got money youre less likely to haggle for things as if theyre a life giving elixir that will not only make you rather happy but, and, heres the part i really like, (name that film?) cure the world all its ills at the same time. How marvellous. Plus if you dont haggle enough the locals just think youre a mug, which of course you are at any rate, being foreign and all. The point here is (and its always reassuring to see that there is a point after all) that having less money in your day is no bad thing.

Turd Job 2: In Antigua, Turd Job 2 follows closely on the heels of turd job 1, but is if anything even more inexplicable.

Job Title: Nut Purveyor in Antigua Guatemala
Job Description: Wander streets of antigua with bags of nuts trying to flog them to the touristas
Qualifications Needed: i) Love of nuts; ii) ability to be completely oblivious to the fact that no-one in antigua buys nuts; iii) limbs a bonus; iv) likewise ability to speak.
Equipment Provided: Plastic bags, nuts.

Job Analysis: Clues to conclusion of job analysis may be found in above section entitled 'Qualifications Needed', subsections ii) and iv). Like the ice cream vendor i mentioned earlier --- and i should point out that people do officially buy ice creams, i saw someone with one yesterday. Although in truthn it may have been a marketing ploy by a clever cream man and a chum: walk around munching on an ice cream and everyone will think 'oh that looks jolly nice i must get myself creamed up.' Then a couple of minutes after i did see in the central park some ice creams change hands but again it looked like cream man was showing something to his son, cream man jr.. I did not actually see any money change hands. So in fact i still have not actually seen anyone PAY for an ice cream --- there does not seem to be much of a market for nuts, but a superabundance of nutmen, or nutters as i shall now refer to them. The nutters seem to have come across the same economics quandry as the creamers, mucho supplio, no mucho demando. Idiotico. Now given that its constantly pissing it down with rain here, you might have thought that some bright spark would throw down his nuts and start flogging high quality, or for that matter low quality brollies, and make some quick doh. But no, not a brolly in sight, not even a sniff of a brolly in the main square. Took us an hour yesterday to track down a brolly in the market and even then only found them in a shop selling soap and deoderant and shampoo and stuff (which i suppose people call a drug store). Whichever arse decided that selling nuts in Antigua was a good idea was clearly a litle 'nutty' himself, but the main point which disturbs me is that there are loads of other nutters out there who just couldnt wait to become Nutters too. Not the greatest career choice in some ways, but i guess if you cant get your hands on a robin reliant cream mobile then nuts are youir next best bet. Conclusion: Not the best job in the world. Arguably better than 'shoeshine boy' but largely only because it hasn't got 'boy' in the job title. Pretty Turd.

AN ENTERPRISING YOUNG FELLOW.

I did however see an enterprising young fellow who, it seems , has been takning lessons in marketing. For i did see a gentleman with a cream mobile and a shoe shine kit. If only he had some nuts as well i may well have had to go up and give the guy a firm shake of the hand. However, it must be noted that he was sleeping on the job (i suppose its tough holding down two jobs but i mean really) and was thus in no position to either shine shoes or vend creams. he was squandering his clear business edge. An enterprising young fellow certainly, but a sleepy one too.

oh arse, forgot that i had to do somethiung importante. talk backs next time, but keep them coming people, i need to book a ticket to the airport. Flying to tikal, cheaper tahn the bus, explain all in due course, ta ta.

Posted 4:23 PM by Gobbler
Bloggy McBlogger blogs a blog agog

Think yu've got a turd job, and that youre wasting your life in some turdy office. I here compile some of the more rubbish jobs that i've come across lately. Surely they should be compiled into a top ten list, but perhaps not today.

Turd job 1: Job description: Ice cream vendor in Antigua Guatemala
Qualifications needed: Ability to continuously ring bell to alert customers to your tasty product
Equipment provided: Funny shaped 3-wheeled ice cream cart that looks a bit like something out of the Jetsons or a scaled down Robin Reliant (and probably manufactured by them.) Bell.

Job analysis: Think about cows for a mooment., the ones that havbe a bell around their necks which incessantly rings as they munch their way across a field. I reckon they go a bit mental with that bell ringing all the time. And i reckon the ice cream sellers probably go a little bit loopy after a while. I mean to say, if all you do from dawn to dusk is push along an ice cream trolley and ring a bell, i reckon you would begin to lose it. Imagine a bell noise ringing in your ear day in day out. Qutie irritating. Whats more, its self inflicted pain. The cow cant see and cant get rid of the bell and so doesnt know any better, the ice cream man knows the bell is there, knows its annoying (although probably, as it has driven him mad, he has got used to it) and, worst of all, knows that he is the one who is ringing the bell and could stop it if he wanted. But then he wouldnt sell any creams,. and hes just got to shift those creams, no doubt to pay the payments on the high quality robin reliant cream machine mobile of which he is the proud owner. Its bad enough that i've never actually seen anyone buy an ice cream from one of these fellows; its worse that there are loads of them all over the place, so theres huge competition for what seems to be a fairly non existent m,arket. Whichever bright spark decided to approach robin reliant to buiold them ic cream carts to sell in guatemala made a little error here. You see its all a question of supply and demand. I did economics at university, so i know. All in all, its a fairly shitty job. So the next time you think about how bad your job is, go buy a bell and a robin reliant, (twenty quid should do you) sticksome pictures of ice creams on the outside and push it around ringing a bell. you might get arrested but you probably wont shift too many ice creams, even id\f you have shown foresight and put some in the boot of your reliant. After that ordeal you'll be very happy to get back to the office.

Thatsenough about crap jobs for now, tho there are plenty more out there.

Cricket. Now people, stupid people mostly, and often americans, think that cricket is a very complicated game. I am of the opinion that it is not a very complicated game and am convinced that even the most dim witted american may be able to grasp this most splendid of games. I'm doing this partly for the benefit of my cousin who, i have been reliably informed, has taken it upon himslef to teach his yankee (although he lives in the south of the staes so i guess that doesnt make them yanks but something else, anyhow) chumshow to play a spot of cricket. i am being quite serious about this. i'm fed up with people telling me that cricket doesnt make any sense and is rubbish when any nicompoop on earth can grasp the concept. After all, if we managed to teach the colonies how to play (and they now regularly thrash us) surely everyone is capable of learning. Firstly, this is not, i repeat not, how to explain the game. This kind of description is given by smug gits who enjoy confusing people, thus showing how frightfully clever they are:

There are two teams of 11 players. One team starts of out and the other in. The team that is out goes in to the field, some of them in the outfield. two of the team that are in go in, the the rest stay out and drink tea. Thus most of the players on the team that is in are actually off, while all the team that are not in are out on field. one member of the team that is out on field but not in throws the ball (this is called bowling) in to one of the players of the team that is in and attempts to get him out. The bowler has six balls to bowl before there is a new bowler. The six balls when bowled correctly bowled constitute an over. When the over is over a new over begins, and so on. When one of the players that is in gets out he goes off and another player on the in team that was off comes on and becomes in. Play continues until the out team has got all the players on the in team out at which point the in team is out and the out team is in. The team that was in but is now out must try to get the other team out in the same fashion as the other team, the out team which is now in, got them out. After taht, whoevers got the most runs wins.

Clearly this is confusing. Basically if you understand baseball or softball or rounders, cricket is a piece of piss. So assuming you know one of the above, let us proceed:

Cricekt is just like baseball, with a few simple exceptions.
1) 11 players on each team.(the same?)
2) Instead of running around four bases (five including homebase i believe) youve just got two, and the striker (known henceforth as the batsman, i.e. the man with the bat) runs between the two bases. Every time he runs from one base to the other he scores a point (henceforth known as a run, because, unless he is very fat and lazy he has run between the bases). The bases are set 22 yards from one another in the middle of the pitch.
3) The pitcher (bowler) pitches (bowls) from one of the 2 bases to the other, (he does not have his own special pitching spot) where the batsman waits, and tries to get him out. This is done in exactly the same way as in baseball except:
4) Instead of striking out the batsman, the bowler tries to hit the batsmans stumps. These are three little sticks vertically positioned in parallel behind the batsman. If the bowler his the stumps with a bowl, the batsman is out. The batsman is only allowed to use his bat to protect the stumps, he may not use his body. If he does, he is out. This is called Leg Before Wicket (LBW i.e. using the legs to protect the stumps, known as a 'wicket'). The batsman may be caught and run out exactly as in baseball.
5) The bowlers work in teams of two. Each bowler bowls an over (a set of six balls) and then the other does the same from the other end. Thus there is a wicket (set of stumps) on each of the two bases. For one over of six balls the bowler bowls at one set, then the next over the other bowler bowls at the other set.
6) Because the bowlers bowl to both bases, and because the batsman may only score one run (runs are scored, incidentally, by hitting the ball somewhere, and, while the fielders are collecting, running between the wickets (bases)) and thus end up at the bowlers end, there always two batsmen on the field, one at the batsmans end and one at the bowlers end. they both run at the same time i.e. they both end up on different wickets.
7) The batsmen may continue running back and forth, scoring one run each time, but if the ball hits the stumps (those three sticks) when the batsman is not on his base (marked by a little white line in front of the stumps, he is out, like in baseball. At any point when he is behind the white line, his wicket is safe, his 'base' is protected.
8) If the batsman hits the ball out of the ground he automatically gets 6 runs. he does not have to run at all. This shot is popular with fat and lazy batsmen. This score is known as a 'Six'.
9) If the batsman hits the ball out of the ground but the ball bounces inside the ground first, he automatically (doesnt have to run) scores four points. This is called a 'Four'. Simple, really.
10) When all the batsmen bar one are out, the batting team cannot continue (there must be two on the pitch at all times) and that team goes in to field as in baseball, and the fielders bat and the game begins again.

Yes, it really is that simple. Of course there are a few technicalities to consider, such as how you bowl, but the rudimentaries of the game are quite simple. And, unlike baseball, softball and rounders, hundreds of runs are scored every game, not just a dozen. Which is great. When you think about it.

Sianodel: Basically, i'm all in favour of visting foreign countries. Teh main problem i have with foreign countries is the fact that they do seem to be disproportionately (and, may i go so far as to say, quite disturbingly) full of damned foreigners. And they arent all waiters, some of them sell ice creams. The state of the world today im afraid. Papa Smirf: Finally you say something sensible. Punk Floyd, what a bunch of punks. The_Bro: Had a good chuckle whe you reminded me of that one... Mr...... Punkoid. Welcome to coconut airways... Evil Uncle: Well, she claims to be Swedish, but the label says Made In Taiwan, so I am suspicious. And she comes with interchangable cuts and designs so really every day is a new day and i have yet to get to the bottom of things. Also she doesnt come with instructions and so I've yet to work out where to put the batteries. She seems thus far an entirely excellent piece of apparatus. Hopefully she is not the latest evil ploy by yourself and Dr. Octagon, who, tho very quiet lately, is foul indeed. Fembots Shmembots.

Ihas six balls to before the pitcher is changed

and take up the relevant position, at their wickets, on the square in the middle of the pitch;

Posted 5:59 PM by Gobbler
Bloggy Bloggy Bloggy

I came to do some blog over an hour ago but i've been stuck on the email for some time. I wrote quite a lot on the subject of womans liberation and got quite carried away.

I'm still in Antigua. I've been engaged in heated talks in the arena of international relations, i.e. Karin, and have decided to extend the conference by a few days, i.e. i've postponed my flight until monday (from this friday).

The following commentary is by a fellow called Chippy, one of my accomplices and aliases on this little trip. He was born in Chiang Mai over dinner, and is still at large. The following was intercepted over the e-waves and is recorded here, in a mildly edited format, to allow the reader a clearer understanding of what the self styled 'Mighty Chipster' is on about. Here it is:

"The Mighty Chipster (I'm so mighty that i have taken to talking of myself in the third pperson, its the done thing you know) has it seems had his powers fully occupied as he has found himself a girlfriend, or as close as one can get to a girlfriend in this travelling game. I've been in Antigua for just over three weeks now and in the second week i met Karin and she hsa been the centre of Chipster attention ever since. Poor old Chipster doesnt know what to do. He's even postponed his flight to Peru for three days so that he can get to know lady a little better. How the mighty fall...

Ah, I remember the 'Nam Time. [The recipient of the letter has recently been in Vietnam] Hoi An was a particular treat and i spent many happy hours in Tam Tam's bar, which i highly recommend. Ther is also a restaurant which you may have have the good fortune to visit: Quan An restaurant where they sell Bia Hoi (Fresh Beer Cold Beer) for a reasonable 2500 dong a glass. Tho if youre heading up that way you can get it on the streets of Hanoi for only 1500 dong. Which is, if i recall, 6 pence. Esplendido.

Back in the days of Hoi An, when i didnt even know that i had chippy power, but nevertheless did a lot of charity work which in many ways i like to talk about even less than the charity work i did in cambodia (which i dont like to talk about either), i managed something quite extraordinary: I did not buy a sinlge item of clothing while there, and i stayed there five nights. Not a single piece of cloth. Whaddaya nkow. Clearly i am special. Muy Especial. This is because i learnt very thoroughly when i was at public school that there is nothing wrong with a good bit of honest, down to earth and character forming buggery. Oh sorry what i meant to say was that one should never trust damned foreigners and that if one needs clothing then there really isnt anything wrong with Saville Row.

Its just occured to me that youre flying to the Oz today. [The recipient of the email is travelling to the land of Australians, Australia, the very same day that the email was written] Well, enjoy. Dont know much about it myself except that its quite big and has people in it, and that it was legal to shoot the locals until 1957. Interesante.

As far as being treated to Burger and Chips goes and a few rotten chat up lines, [the recipient of the email, a lady by the name of 'susie', was in her previous email lamenting the lack of gentlemanly romance in her male acquantances] it seems to me that these common folk have got soemthing right. In these days of womans liberation and equality and wotnot the soft calls for tantalising conversation over a sumptuous meal in a delightful, romantically lit corner of an exquisite restaurant and perhaps a little theatre or opera afterwards are oft drowned out by shouts of 'Equality now!', 'We can pay our own way', 'We dont need you or your money, we are modern women' and 'Men are redundant dinosaurs!' '(And Bastards!!)'. Fine words indeed. Given this, Burger and Chips and a few rotten chat up lines actually seems pretty generous. I hope that women are paying for their share of the burger and chips, and replying with their own tosh chat up lines. Fair, after all, is fair.

It is i fear a problem with public school eduacation today. Us fine fellows are being molded into gentlemen of the upstanding and clean living variety only to find that in the current socio-economic climate lady-kind, on the whole, just wont play ball. But we should not be too discouraged, we must adapt. If, in response to the request: "My dear lady, i should be much obliged if you would do me the honour of allowing me to take you to dinner tomorrow night. And afterwards, there is a particularly original and indeed, i hear, well produced production of Shakespeare's 'Tempest' on afterwards that i rather fancy we might enjoy." the said lady does not reply "Oh gosh, you are dreadfully dishy, whatever shall i wear?", but "Well all right then but i insist on paying half and I'm going to drive. I'll pick you up at seven." the gentleman should allow himself to go with the flow and be content that his wallet will have a much easier time of it. Equality is the watchword of our generation and equality, gentlemen, equals more money in your pocket. And that is splendid. So enjoy your burger and chips while you can, cos pretty soon you'll be paying.

Well, thats it just for the moment. I hope you found some enjoyment in this little rant. its taken me some time to write and means that i will not now have the time to write a proper blogspot entry, which means that i will copy part of this e to my blogspot. Thats equality for you, susie dear. I may have written this just for you but i'm sharing it with the world.

I remain, good lady,

Senor Chorizo."

Oh, i just have to say something quickly. I was just about to declare that i have found out where Guam is, but then i remembered that it was only in a dream that i discovered its location. I dreamt that it was just next to guatemala, a tiny country nestled between guatemala, honduras and a host of other small countries. These tricksy dreams.

A couple of minutes for talk backs. Tulsa Hilton. Indeed, crack open that atlas. And i reckon that cricket actually isnt all that complicated to understand. More on that when i have time. Laura: Compliments like that will get you everywhere, postcards on the way posthaste. And i did say postcards. Papa Smirf: Thats mister Nicholas to you Smirfy My lad. I presume youre disappointed that i wasnt the one with the insensitive loud mouth. To be honest i was a little disappointed myself. Damned foreigners stealing my limelight. All the rest: All in all youre just another punk in the wall.

Posted 3:55 PM by Gobbler
You may say this is just another boring blogspot

Spending the weekend in antigua where the indepence celebrations are well underway in time for the big day tomorrow.

Now, we in blighty do not have an indepence day. Since the last time we were invaded was 1066 and weve never actually been liberated or gained independence from the normans, we've never actually had much call for one. If we ever did have one tho, it seems likely that the occassion would be marked by a substantial propprtion of the populaiton going out to the pub, getting shit faced, shouiting a lot, shouting a few jingoistic remarks and maybe if the mood strikes bashing a few people as well. All in the name of independence and having a terrific time and all that. Come ton think of it, it wouldnt be all that different from most nights out.

Here in guatemala they see things differently, at least in antigua. Indepéndence celebrations are focussed heavily on the central park. The shoe shine boys and thhe ice cream men and the other vendors are out in extra force. I suspect they make the journey from all over the country just to sell those creams. A lot of the rich from guatemala city troop down here for this time, i9ts much nicer - and safer - than the capital. People dont seem to be getting plastered, instead legions of excited youths run around the park and elsewhere in groups, with one or more of them holding aloft a torch signifying some serious liberty action. I dont know what theyve been taking but every one of the runners looks astonishingly happy as they motor along, round and round.

Some old cynic told me that the government promotes then day not just as an independence celebration but as a liberty celebraytion as well. This helps mthe people forget the distinct lackm of libewrty that most of them enjoy due to the levels of corruption etc in the political scene. Plus i hear that the government deliberately undereducates most of the population to make sure they dont get to clever and start asking too many questions.

We just sat in the square watching the throngs charge by and, bored after a time, drifted off to this cafe. One particularly insensitive and loudmouthed member of our group (not me as it happens) proclaimed that it was all 'so stupid, these people think this is important'