Posted 9:05 AM by Gobbler
in kuta, bali. todays highlight is called

'your friendly local pickpocket service' or 'sleep tax' or 'how to lose 25 quid'

it was all a bit silly really. i entertain obsure sleeping habits for a few days and then go out of an evening. went to 'the bounty ship' in bali with a local guy i met but he didnt stay long, leaqving yoiurs truly on his tod. the bounty ship is a huge place and i found myself at the bar near the dancefloor. an excellent position to meet people, usually, but on this occassion i could not bring myself to be sociable, so didnt really meet anyone.

in due course i went downstairs to a different area, sat at a lonely table in the dark recesses of the bar sipping my 'jungle juice' beverage, a mysterious and interesting drop whose ingredients may include 'jungle juice' formula insect repellent, i'm not sure. i didnt get bitten by any mosquitos i should point out, but i seemed to be repelling all varieties of life.

i drifted off to sleep, no converstaion to keep me topside, and was awoken a couple of hours later by a barman who indicated thatb the party was now past its prime, and i might like to consider leaving. i did so and soon discovered that, as i had left the discotheque, all my money had left my wallet. even those few thousand vietnamese dong and cambodian riell i had been saving for a rainy day. the nice chap who went through my wallet was, however, nice enough to put the wallet back in and rebutton my pocket, and left my defunct student id and other contents. they clearly had a good look tho, as the two (also defunct) bank cards i keep in there were replaced but put in the wrong way around. they also left the few thousand rupees i had in another pocket, so i was able to buy a bottle of water on the way home, 25 quid poorer and feeling a lot stupider than when i had left. oh, they knicked my watch as well (sorry dad, twas the finest watch i ever did have and is no more. at least you know what to get me for christmas) so i'm not sure what time it was.

at least standard operating proceedure prevented any serious loss. no debit card or credit card on me or anything important like that. dont normally even take my wallet out wiht me but hey balis completely safe and ther3es no crime, or so i was told, and i wasnt being super careful.

one mustnt let the bastards grind one down, however, so i will be returning to the same bar this eveing, just as soon as i've finished up here. i wont be bringing my wallet tonight. actually its already nearly eleven as i napped for about four hours this afternoon and i've been here for nearly an hour and a half doing various things.

no talk backs to talk back, you 'orrible lot.

just got a bit worried about the greyhound buses by a website called www.cashuttlebus.com. one of the selling points for its service is 'too frightened to take the greyhound bus?' actually i've encountered a serious problem with the travel plan to get from san fran to seattle. i cant buy a ticket with greyhound cos ive not got a u.s. credit card or address, and the train (amtrak) has no service, nor do anyother servers. still an off chance that i'll be able to get a car through drivaeaway.com, so we shall see. exploring the flight option. in fact i've just been to a site called http://www.craigslist.org/ where i've found some interesting person called 'anon' (tho i think ive discovered that her real name is susie, how marvellous) whose going to seattle around the same time as i want to go. this could be very interesting.

got to tell you about an amusing anatomical fact i heard the other day. the brains got two halves right? the cerebral wotsits i believe they are called. well, the left half controls the right half of the body, and the right half the left. In the case of george w bush, however, something appears to have gone wrong, as the left halfs got nothing right and the right half's got nothing left. ho ho.

damn, i cant get a cheap flight and my options are dwindling to make the trip to seattle.

now to reply to some old talk backs. papa smirf: research in progress as to the veracity of your zazzle.com hitg tshirt claims... Tom: basically mate, all i can say is pukka mukka. Rachel: ah, it is reassuring to see another person displaying signs of a sound education. i may have to promote you to the position of chief fashion adviser. Laura: vegas vegas vegas. can you buy a hotel so that i can stay there for free? everyone else: hello there, did you know that you were a punk?

Posted 5:41 AM by Gobbler
damn, i dont know if any of you mad ounks out there are having a similar problem, but i cant gain access to the talkbacks. or perhaps there never were any and it was all a blissfull dream...

all the way over in hong kong. ben: its rather marvellous here, just as you foresaw. here for less than a day, so making the most of it. got off the plane, got orientated, put my rucksack in storage at the airport and headed downtown. i'm not actually on hong kong island but kowloon. i only found out back in 'nam a few weeks ago from an accommodating lady i met that in fact hong kong consists of more than just the island. was it just me that didnt know there was more?

anyway, plan a was to find an internet place for e's and blogs and more. obviously a little bit of posing as a 14 yr old boy to get in there with the local paedophile ring and some porn surfing were on the hit list as well. also i need to book my greyhound bus to seattle from san fran for next week. how the time flies.

got the bus to what i believe is the main street in kowloon, nathan street (ben?) but after some time wandering around i was empty handed on that front. i had however located an irish pub, murpheys, with a lrage guinness sign on the outside, and figured that after some gruelling travelling i could do with a guinness (after all, guinness is good for you). also i figured that they would be able to tell me where i could get some internet access.

splendidly it has transpired that this place ahs internet. only one computer, where i am now, and not too cheap. almost two quid an hour, much more than i am used to, but not bad considering that hk has proved to be an expensive place - a pint of guinness sets one back 3 pound 75. i only got 25 quid out of the cash machine so i shant be loitering here long. having said that i've now been in here more than two hours. had a lot of e's to do plus blog and diary writing as well. been very busy. but you, oh reader, do not want to hear such musings.

such of you as evil uncle want to hear about those threesomes i had on koh tao and the three lady boys on the long and lonely bus ridfe from suratthani to Kuala Lumpur, not to mention the long and lonely lady i chanced upon in singapore. sex, after all, is bound to prick-up those flagging earlobes (no pun intended). others are desperate for news of doctor octagon and his foul plans. others, i imagine, are keen to be enlightened about the scent of the flowers about the place. i cannot however be sure as to what youe views are as i cant access the talkbacks...

my new hippie clothes are actually relatively normal and so not worth metioning much. got a decent pair of shorts. well, they are almost descent now that i've ripped off all the damned lumininous orange elastice string that peppered its exterior...

off to bali tomorrow, in 13 hours. my existence at present is a twisted mess of travelling and sightseeing. yesterday morning in KL me and john, a mate i met on the bus, did big towers called p-something went up to 180 odd metres, splendid views etc. a few other delights. much more to say, but too much else to do...

ciao for now

Posted 8:22 AM by Gobbler
it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. it was a time for celebration, it was a time for comiseration. it was a time for joy, it was a time for melancholy. it was a time for doing the washing, it was a time for scuaba diving...

if that old git charles dickens hadnt got there first, i would of course have said that anyway, but as it is i have opened myself to the charge of plagiarism. that being so, i will continue to say that two of the most fascinating activities of my life have now been completed. one has been a little more fascinating than the other. getting my washing done and scuba diving. the reader must decide which.

i am now officially a padi certificated scuba diver. four open water dives have been completed. four wholly thrilling dives. two yesterday, in clear blue waters at mango bay off the north coast of koh tao. the reef was not spectacular compared to belize or especially mauritius, the two other places i have seen reefs while snorkelling, but nevertheless the scene was superbly beautiful and the diving experience initself quite sublime. today two more dives were had. rough seas - a rarity for this part of the worls - meant that our choice of site was restricted and visibility was limited, although still about 10 metres. did a spot of compass work, our final skill. the one thing i had been truly concerned about as far as this whole diving thing is concerned has been the idea of being in the water unable to see either the bottom or the surface, or any rocks/outcrops about me. i mean, just how the heck do you work out where you are, where youre going and whether youre going up or down? quite unnerving when you think about it. this is what occured on the second dive today, and, as it turned out, it was full of wonders. luckily it was not full of damned hippies. and doctor octagon clearly is not an aquatic fellow. he'd probably melt or something. what a world.

i didnt freak out or anything of the sort. in a big group of people, and had a compass on one hand and a depth gauge in the other, so the chances of getting irrecoverably lost were vertually nil. all good. as i have said, the fauna was not spectacular, but the diving was pretty mega. what a word. how can i hope to describe it all? i am too fatigued to make a descent attempt. so i will just order everyone to go diving. an added advantage is that, as with most beachy places, this island is stocked with a superabundance of gorgeous flora and fauna, enticing one to abandon reality and pursue a careless existence among the Sybarites. now that is a good word. its well worth getting your dictionaries out for that one.

enough of the literary gobbledegook. the diving was the best of times. i finished just a few small hours ago, and mourn the fact that it will be too long before i can dive once again. i leave for kuala lumpur tomorrow, at 8 pm. i was contemplating more dives tomorrow, but i have a more pressing engagement. i must buy some new clothes at the market, for all of mine have been lost. thats right, you heard me punks. and everybody, especially those who saw the flies buzzing around my festering garment collection held that a good professional wash (the skills of mr nick goulden, despite wielding a tube of superdrug travel wash, were not up to the gargantuan task) was called for, indeed necessary. but the horrible fiends, those daemonic launderers, have lost my clothes, one and all.

i never had a lot of clothes to begin with, but now i have precisely (this is not going to be fascinating, but for the sake of historical accuracy and in the name of science, six socks i.e. 3 prs, one pr boxers, 2 pr trousers, 1 pr swimming trunks, 1 shirt, 1 fleece, 1 item of pyjama wear. looking at it, i'm still well off for socks, but as i dont wear them (i know enough of the fashion world to proclaim with confidence that socks with sandals is a critical fashion faux pas and may be attempted only by old people and monks with any hope of success) theyre not frightfully useful to me. i've been wearing the same shirt for seven days. i was it every day, sometimes even with soap, but its not as pristine as it once was. in fact, it belongs to a friend of mine, jeremy from edinburgh festival. i accidently took it home with me after edinburgh and liked it so much i never quite gave it back to him. hello mate, if youre reading this, it really is a smashing shirt. its been restitched about five times by dear old mum. basically its a nice shirt, i wash it every day, but even i need more than one shirt. i worked out that my lost garments cost at least 144.5 $, and ive not got much/any change of wringing that out of the laundrette. so tomorrow i go to the market to purchase a new wardrobe without the benefit of the skills of a fully qualified fashion adviser. after which, it is agreed, i will present my guest house with the bill, which they will foot.

A tale of woe, you will agree. no more my red bull tshirt courtesy of mike, no moer my cambodia heart of darkness t shitr, no more my jungle shirt, and oh i am too traumatised to continue. who knows what kind of damned hippie thai-dye nonsense i will be forced to purchased in their stead. if theres one thing i hate more than damned hippies, its damned hippie clothing. but by the end of tomorrow i'll be fully stocked with fishermans trousers, white cotton buttonless shirt, dreadlocks, goatee, flower in my hair, ring through my ear, bolt through my eyebrow, piece of bead ridden string replete with indescribaly shaped metal round my neck and, of course, a faded crimson saree. i will be the ultimate in damed hippie traveller fashion.

having said all this, i must leave you already. i have a letter to write, a shirt to wash, and a party to go to. and i will miss koh tao, it is a jolly place. Ben: earl grey all the way, naturally. any word on dr o? Mum: sending an emergency clothes ration might not be such a bad idea now! lets see how the shopping goes, i'll keep you posted. Evil Uncle: you are very evil, but also very stupid, young fool. of course there's lashings and lashings of sex, you just have to read between the lines - its all in code. stops the relatives ad ex-girlfriends from getting upset, you understand. Tom: sorted as mate, road trip coming right up. cant wait. do we need an international driving licence, and if so, how do we get one? all good mate, the usa wont kow what hit 'em, and we'll bleed veeeeeeeegas
dry... Laura: What d'you mean l.walton got a first? what trickery is this? this is an outrage! whos the president? dont worry about me, i am a) inwincible b) very very clever c) trained in life skills by monks.